Restarting Counseling

 A couple weeks ago I started counseling again. I've been feeling stressed with work and at home. I have some things to work on, don't we all? And it's time I begin working on them again. 

The first session I received homework, I did that. The second session we went a bit deeper based on the homework I had done. Third session, tomorrow, she would like to try EMDR. I've heard of it, looked into it a bit and am slightly worried. I don't know how this will go but I am willing to give this a shot, somethings got to work. 

I'm working on other things as well, getting my room darker with new room darkening curtains, ear plugs made for sleeping and a new eye mask that I can tighten and it doesn't leave marks or hurt my face from being tight. So far these things are working fairly well. I've had to adjust for the mask to fit with my Cpap, that's going well so far. I feel like I'm sleeping better and when I don't need my alarm I'm waking after 9am, which is nice because normally I'd wake before 8am, sometimes sooner than that. 

I'm getting my room in order to help with my stress levels. My dressers are arriving on the 31st, that will be the last of the set I need and it'll help to get the room straightened up and better organized. The goal is to create a space I am comfortable in for sleeping and watching TV and exercising, my comfort zone. 

No EMDR at todays session but I've got two more chapters to read through and some exercises. She is giving me some grace on not doing some of the other homework because I have been working on things for myself and my personal space. These two new chapters are thick though. 

In doing for myself I've been working on my bedroom/bathroom space. I've made some purchases that have helped to clean up my office area, a lot, it wad desperately needed. My laundry space is also cleared up. My dressers will be arriving next week, hopefully and then I can finish clearing out the rest of the clutter and getting that last bit of stuff moved around, organized and put away. Then back to my closet so I'll have space to work on my puzzles again, I've missed being able to do that. 

New Year, New Start?

                                 Currently 12:00pm on January 1, 2026...

What I would like to do different this year...not resolutions, those don't stick, just things for me and me only.

*Continue getting better for myself...continue with mental health care (keeping up with my meds and get back into therapy, self care).

*Not to take things personally as I sometimes do...those that treat me wrong, ignore, ghost me, twist things...they will not be in my life anymore. That may limit who is in my life but I'd rather have peace than chaos. 

*Maybe go back to school and finish my Masters program completely

*Domestic things; get the house decluttered and organized, which will be better for my mental health. Get my room set up so it's comfortable, relaxing and a place I feel good in.

*Better my work and personal schedule...do better at work, less down time, keep busy and get out of the house, even if I am alone.

*Personal health...continue working on eating more balanced meals, not overeating and less processed. Use the treadmill daily

*Get back into my Photography and Genealogy, which can be done solo or with someone else. 

*Save money for vacation and myself. 

I cannot and will not say that all of these things will happen but I will do my best to work on everything that will make me better for myself. 

I want this to be a better year, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially

What To Do?

I've been talking with someone off and on for a couple years. He says he wants to meet in person. 

We went to high school together, we did not hang out in the same crowd. We knew/knew of eachother but that's about it. 

He said that with the talking off and on for as long as we have, we should meet for coffee, or in my case cocoa. 

I had mentioned that I was going shopping, he said he should go to the store and shop with me. I told him where I was going. Messaged him shortly after I got there, no response until I was almost done...the game was on and he needed to watch. 

The next time, I was under the impression  we would meet and the last message I sent him was "see you tomorrow". He never responded to that and I didn't hear from him until late the next day and he said we had not officially planned anything. 

The next time we talked about meeting up he said he was sick from something he ate. I had also gotten a flu shot and a covid vaccine and it hit me kinda hard so I was in no position to go anywhere. 

He doesn't work tomorrow, neither do I. I asked him what we wanted to do tomorrow, a couple times. He did not answer that question, either time and has not responded to anything else sent.

Is he nervous about meeting in person? I am, because making friends as adults is difficult and scary as hell!

Is he worried I will think he's to heavy? I am, because I am nowhere near the size I was in high school and have been rejected because of my weight before.

Is he afraid that I won't like him in person? I am because I am awkward as hell and it shows all over my face, my movements and how I talk. 

Is he afraid I will reject him? I am already starting to feel rejected. 

Is he simply an asshole who is messing with me? It's highly possible. 

I am wildly out of my comfort zone here. I have been alone for 15 years now and the idea of giving that up in any capacity is scary to me. I'm trying so hard to not retreat into my own world with my living situation. I am trying to put myself out there, again, and feel the same things happening, again. 

I miss what having a friend feels like. I miss what having someone talk to and with me, hold me, want to spend time with me feels like. I miss all the things I didn't have during 20 years of marriage and some of the things I did.

I am about done trying though. I would rather be alone than put on another roller coaster with someone that doesn't actually want what they say they want. 

Just over a month in...

 It feels like it's been much longer than just over a month since we moved into our new rental. A lot has been going on since the move, at work and at home. I'm still going through my room and trying to cut back on things, make more space and just feel comfortable in my space. I do share my space with cats so it's not always that easy. 

I've been working doubles for 5-6 weeks now, thankfully they are almost done because I've been exhausted more than usual. The pay has been great and I got a bonus as well, so that helped. Working on paying down bills, stocking up on things we need and doing some extra stuff as well. 

I bought some feeders and have been putting food out for the squirrels and birds, my daughter doesn't care for it because now there are little footprints on the windows. The cats and grandkids love seeing all the animals though. I like seeing them too, so far we've had a Blue Jay, Chickadee and a small Woodpecker visit the porch. 

I've got  more stuff that can be moved to the basement and I'd like to start preparing the yard for winter. Thankfully we have some salt for the walkways and decks, and we've got a good shovel too. not sure how much help I'll have with keeping things shoveled but I'll do my best. 

I'm not looking forward to having to clean snow off my car again but I'll manage like I do every year. The kids will be able to play in the snow, that should be fun for them.

Moved Again...

 At the beginning of September we received a Notice to Quit from out rental management company. It came out of no where and they refused to tell us why. We called, emailed and texted with the owner. All they said is that they wanted their property back and we had until September 30th to be out AND that we could NEVER rent from them again. I did some searching online and for a Yelp review about how they had done this to other families a few years ago, 12 families all kicked out and told they could never rent from the management company again. Oddly enough that actually made me feel a little better, but still, we had to uproot ourselves and the grandkids, which broke my heart. They are still not back in school yet, that is being worked on and can be a slow process. We were out of the old place on the 30th but had to leave some things behind do to running out of time and space, my car is still not empty. The old place had 4 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. Two floors, each with 2 bedrooms and basement space that was always messy because kids played down there and threw things around. We also had a shared wall with the neighbors. I should also mention that we were on a month to month, no lease was in place at that we were told we had to leave. 

The new place is a two story single family home with a basement, so no shared walls with neighbors. We have a small front deck and small back deck plus a patio for our patio furniture. The basement is used for storage and that's it, not useable space for the kids to play. The main floor has a bedroom with a 3/4 bath (stand up shower only), and a nice walk in closet with a lot of shelves, this is my room. No more lugging my shower stuff up and down the stairs. The living room is small but that works out okay because we don't have a lot of furniture in there anyway. The kitchen/dining area is a descent size, my big table fits in there nicely, we just need to get the boxes and stuff out so we can adjust the space a bit more. There is also a 1/2 bath off the kitchen with a washer and dryer. The top floor has 3 bedrooms and a full bath with a shower/tub combo, my daughter and the boys are up there. There is also off street parking, though my daughter parks on the street in front of the house and I park in the driveway. I discovered that our mail is delivered around 9am. We are close to places my daughter likes to go with her friends and her boyfriend is only a 3 minute drive away. The backyard is not fully fenced in and there is no garage but we have not had a garage in many many years so this is nothing new. 

I was not and am not happy about being in the city but this is what has to happen for now, we did not have much of a choice. We tried to stay in the town where the grandkids went to school but we couldn't find a place to live out there, either no one returned messages or places we liked were unavailable. 

It's been almost 2 weeks since we got keys and moved in. We have a lot left to unpack in our rooms and the common areas of the house. Most of the storage stuff is in the basement but there is still some left in the common areas that need to go down. I am hoping to get my car cleaned out this weekend, we'll see how that goes. We are hoping to be in this house for awhile, we are tired of moving and we will be keeping a lease, even if they say we can do month to month.

At this point my drive to work is about 10 minutes shorter that what I was driving, which is nice but I also have to account for more traffic, the time of day and the weather as well. Yes those things were accounted for previously but being in the city and construction season, it's a bit different, but I can still avoid the highway, which is always nice. 

I think that's it for now. I'm at work and have some computer stuff to finish now. 

Ear Procedure

 I scheduled an appointment with the ENT over a month ago to have a procedure done that will hopefully help with the pain I feel and help me hear a little better. That appointment was set for the end of August. A few days ago the ENT office called and asked if wanted to switch my appointment to today, I said YES, of course. At that time they said I would not need a driver so I planned my day out a bit and let my daughter know about the change. I also thought it was odd that I wouldn't need a driver so I asked to ask a friend to watch the boys, just in case. Turns out they plan on giving me a Xanax and then Zofran for nausea and I will need a driver. 

The afternoon is planned out now. I picked up the meds last night, I can't take them until I get there and they tell me when it's time to take them. No problem, I even left them in the bags, stappled shut. We'll be dropping the boys off and heading over. 

The doctor will basically be inserting a small balloon into my Estuation tube to open it up a bit more. Now, I've had issues with my ears/hearing for my whole life. I've been dealing with a lot of ear pain for many years. I've had tubes in my ears a couple times when I was a child and then as an adult, I still had a lot of pain though. My pressure is not where the doctor wants it to be so this is the next step to try and correct this. 

This probably should have been done a very long time ago, I learned to live with the pain and just ignored it for the most part. It reach a point where it was to much to ignore and I was tired of it and the pain was more frequent. I do not recommend waiting. Who knows what kind of damage could have been happening all this time. I could have saved myself years of pain by going in much sooner. I always encourage others to seek medical help when in pain and I normally do that myself too but not with this. I think I kind of hoped it'd just go away, but here we are. 

I think this procedure will be under an hour long, my daughter will drive me home, after we pick up the kids from her friend and I'll probably go straight to bed upon arriving home. Thankfully I have Saturday off so I'll have plenty of time for rest before returning to work on Sunday. 

I don't know how much I'll need them, but I've got two sets of Loop Earplugs. These will help lessen the decibels that I hear. I've been keeping a pair with me all the time so I can use them if I need them. 

Wish me luck. 

I'll update on how everything went, afterwards.  

Another Dose Increase

 About 45 days ago I had a med increase, 30mg to 40mg. I have not noticed a huge change but overall I feel liked I'm feeling better, but that can depend on what's happened throughout the day. 

A week or so ago I spent time laying in bed after work, no lights, just crying under the covers. I think I was feeling stressed due to a lot going on at home and work. I work in an Adult Foster Care Home and there is a lot that can happen. I think that day might have been a difficult one. 

I'm working to take time to sit alone after work, sometimes saying high to everyone and then just disappearing to my room for a while. Sometimes my daughter will sit with me and sometimes the grand kids come in too. My room is the quiet body room. No running, jumping, screaming or general craziness is allowed. For the reason my daughter will sit with me almost every day to enjoy some extra and much needed quiet. The kids will visit, and talk, play on their games or sit with me, but the first scream they get cray they have the option to either not be crazy or leave the room. Most of the time one will choose to leave and the other will quiet down. 

The meds are working though and thankfully it's the second med I've been on. I did not want to get stuck in the pattern of going from one med to another every few months. 

I suppose I should get back to my work day. It's half over and I have only 1 day off before coming back.