Restarting Counseling

 A couple weeks ago I started counseling again. I've been feeling stressed with work and at home. I have some things to work on, don't we all? And it's time I begin working on them again. 

The first session I received homework, I did that. The second session we went a bit deeper based on the homework I had done. Third session, tomorrow, she would like to try EMDR. I've heard of it, looked into it a bit and am slightly worried. I don't know how this will go but I am willing to give this a shot, somethings got to work. 

I'm working on other things as well, getting my room darker with new room darkening curtains, ear plugs made for sleeping and a new eye mask that I can tighten and it doesn't leave marks or hurt my face from being tight. So far these things are working fairly well. I've had to adjust for the mask to fit with my Cpap, that's going well so far. I feel like I'm sleeping better and when I don't need my alarm I'm waking after 9am, which is nice because normally I'd wake before 8am, sometimes sooner than that. 

I'm getting my room in order to help with my stress levels. My dressers are arriving on the 31st, that will be the last of the set I need and it'll help to get the room straightened up and better organized. The goal is to create a space I am comfortable in for sleeping and watching TV and exercising, my comfort zone. 

No EMDR at todays session but I've got two more chapters to read through and some exercises. She is giving me some grace on not doing some of the other homework because I have been working on things for myself and my personal space. These two new chapters are thick though. 

In doing for myself I've been working on my bedroom/bathroom space. I've made some purchases that have helped to clean up my office area, a lot, it wad desperately needed. My laundry space is also cleared up. My dressers will be arriving next week, hopefully and then I can finish clearing out the rest of the clutter and getting that last bit of stuff moved around, organized and put away. Then back to my closet so I'll have space to work on my puzzles again, I've missed being able to do that. 

New Year, New Start?

                                 Currently 12:00pm on January 1, 2026...

What I would like to do different this year...not resolutions, those don't stick, just things for me and me only.

*Continue getting better for myself...continue with mental health care (keeping up with my meds and get back into therapy, self care).

*Not to take things personally as I sometimes do...those that treat me wrong, ignore, ghost me, twist things...they will not be in my life anymore. That may limit who is in my life but I'd rather have peace than chaos. 

*Maybe go back to school and finish my Masters program completely

*Domestic things; get the house decluttered and organized, which will be better for my mental health. Get my room set up so it's comfortable, relaxing and a place I feel good in.

*Better my work and personal schedule...do better at work, less down time, keep busy and get out of the house, even if I am alone.

*Personal health...continue working on eating more balanced meals, not overeating and less processed. Use the treadmill daily

*Get back into my Photography and Genealogy, which can be done solo or with someone else. 

*Save money for vacation and myself. 

I cannot and will not say that all of these things will happen but I will do my best to work on everything that will make me better for myself. 

I want this to be a better year, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially

What To Do?

I've been talking with someone off and on for a couple years. He says he wants to meet in person. 

We went to high school together, we did not hang out in the same crowd. We knew/knew of eachother but that's about it. 

He said that with the talking off and on for as long as we have, we should meet for coffee, or in my case cocoa. 

I had mentioned that I was going shopping, he said he should go to the store and shop with me. I told him where I was going. Messaged him shortly after I got there, no response until I was almost done...the game was on and he needed to watch. 

The next time, I was under the impression  we would meet and the last message I sent him was "see you tomorrow". He never responded to that and I didn't hear from him until late the next day and he said we had not officially planned anything. 

The next time we talked about meeting up he said he was sick from something he ate. I had also gotten a flu shot and a covid vaccine and it hit me kinda hard so I was in no position to go anywhere. 

He doesn't work tomorrow, neither do I. I asked him what we wanted to do tomorrow, a couple times. He did not answer that question, either time and has not responded to anything else sent.

Is he nervous about meeting in person? I am, because making friends as adults is difficult and scary as hell!

Is he worried I will think he's to heavy? I am, because I am nowhere near the size I was in high school and have been rejected because of my weight before.

Is he afraid that I won't like him in person? I am because I am awkward as hell and it shows all over my face, my movements and how I talk. 

Is he afraid I will reject him? I am already starting to feel rejected. 

Is he simply an asshole who is messing with me? It's highly possible. 

I am wildly out of my comfort zone here. I have been alone for 15 years now and the idea of giving that up in any capacity is scary to me. I'm trying so hard to not retreat into my own world with my living situation. I am trying to put myself out there, again, and feel the same things happening, again. 

I miss what having a friend feels like. I miss what having someone talk to and with me, hold me, want to spend time with me feels like. I miss all the things I didn't have during 20 years of marriage and some of the things I did.

I am about done trying though. I would rather be alone than put on another roller coaster with someone that doesn't actually want what they say they want. 

Just over a month in...

 It feels like it's been much longer than just over a month since we moved into our new rental. A lot has been going on since the move, at work and at home. I'm still going through my room and trying to cut back on things, make more space and just feel comfortable in my space. I do share my space with cats so it's not always that easy. 

I've been working doubles for 5-6 weeks now, thankfully they are almost done because I've been exhausted more than usual. The pay has been great and I got a bonus as well, so that helped. Working on paying down bills, stocking up on things we need and doing some extra stuff as well. 

I bought some feeders and have been putting food out for the squirrels and birds, my daughter doesn't care for it because now there are little footprints on the windows. The cats and grandkids love seeing all the animals though. I like seeing them too, so far we've had a Blue Jay, Chickadee and a small Woodpecker visit the porch. 

I've got  more stuff that can be moved to the basement and I'd like to start preparing the yard for winter. Thankfully we have some salt for the walkways and decks, and we've got a good shovel too. not sure how much help I'll have with keeping things shoveled but I'll do my best. 

I'm not looking forward to having to clean snow off my car again but I'll manage like I do every year. The kids will be able to play in the snow, that should be fun for them.

Moved Again...

 At the beginning of September we received a Notice to Quit from out rental management company. It came out of no where and they refused to tell us why. We called, emailed and texted with the owner. All they said is that they wanted their property back and we had until September 30th to be out AND that we could NEVER rent from them again. I did some searching online and for a Yelp review about how they had done this to other families a few years ago, 12 families all kicked out and told they could never rent from the management company again. Oddly enough that actually made me feel a little better, but still, we had to uproot ourselves and the grandkids, which broke my heart. They are still not back in school yet, that is being worked on and can be a slow process. We were out of the old place on the 30th but had to leave some things behind do to running out of time and space, my car is still not empty. The old place had 4 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. Two floors, each with 2 bedrooms and basement space that was always messy because kids played down there and threw things around. We also had a shared wall with the neighbors. I should also mention that we were on a month to month, no lease was in place at that we were told we had to leave. 

The new place is a two story single family home with a basement, so no shared walls with neighbors. We have a small front deck and small back deck plus a patio for our patio furniture. The basement is used for storage and that's it, not useable space for the kids to play. The main floor has a bedroom with a 3/4 bath (stand up shower only), and a nice walk in closet with a lot of shelves, this is my room. No more lugging my shower stuff up and down the stairs. The living room is small but that works out okay because we don't have a lot of furniture in there anyway. The kitchen/dining area is a descent size, my big table fits in there nicely, we just need to get the boxes and stuff out so we can adjust the space a bit more. There is also a 1/2 bath off the kitchen with a washer and dryer. The top floor has 3 bedrooms and a full bath with a shower/tub combo, my daughter and the boys are up there. There is also off street parking, though my daughter parks on the street in front of the house and I park in the driveway. I discovered that our mail is delivered around 9am. We are close to places my daughter likes to go with her friends and her boyfriend is only a 3 minute drive away. The backyard is not fully fenced in and there is no garage but we have not had a garage in many many years so this is nothing new. 

I was not and am not happy about being in the city but this is what has to happen for now, we did not have much of a choice. We tried to stay in the town where the grandkids went to school but we couldn't find a place to live out there, either no one returned messages or places we liked were unavailable. 

It's been almost 2 weeks since we got keys and moved in. We have a lot left to unpack in our rooms and the common areas of the house. Most of the storage stuff is in the basement but there is still some left in the common areas that need to go down. I am hoping to get my car cleaned out this weekend, we'll see how that goes. We are hoping to be in this house for awhile, we are tired of moving and we will be keeping a lease, even if they say we can do month to month.

At this point my drive to work is about 10 minutes shorter that what I was driving, which is nice but I also have to account for more traffic, the time of day and the weather as well. Yes those things were accounted for previously but being in the city and construction season, it's a bit different, but I can still avoid the highway, which is always nice. 

I think that's it for now. I'm at work and have some computer stuff to finish now. 

Ear Procedure

 I scheduled an appointment with the ENT over a month ago to have a procedure done that will hopefully help with the pain I feel and help me hear a little better. That appointment was set for the end of August. A few days ago the ENT office called and asked if wanted to switch my appointment to today, I said YES, of course. At that time they said I would not need a driver so I planned my day out a bit and let my daughter know about the change. I also thought it was odd that I wouldn't need a driver so I asked to ask a friend to watch the boys, just in case. Turns out they plan on giving me a Xanax and then Zofran for nausea and I will need a driver. 

The afternoon is planned out now. I picked up the meds last night, I can't take them until I get there and they tell me when it's time to take them. No problem, I even left them in the bags, stappled shut. We'll be dropping the boys off and heading over. 

The doctor will basically be inserting a small balloon into my Estuation tube to open it up a bit more. Now, I've had issues with my ears/hearing for my whole life. I've been dealing with a lot of ear pain for many years. I've had tubes in my ears a couple times when I was a child and then as an adult, I still had a lot of pain though. My pressure is not where the doctor wants it to be so this is the next step to try and correct this. 

This probably should have been done a very long time ago, I learned to live with the pain and just ignored it for the most part. It reach a point where it was to much to ignore and I was tired of it and the pain was more frequent. I do not recommend waiting. Who knows what kind of damage could have been happening all this time. I could have saved myself years of pain by going in much sooner. I always encourage others to seek medical help when in pain and I normally do that myself too but not with this. I think I kind of hoped it'd just go away, but here we are. 

I think this procedure will be under an hour long, my daughter will drive me home, after we pick up the kids from her friend and I'll probably go straight to bed upon arriving home. Thankfully I have Saturday off so I'll have plenty of time for rest before returning to work on Sunday. 

I don't know how much I'll need them, but I've got two sets of Loop Earplugs. These will help lessen the decibels that I hear. I've been keeping a pair with me all the time so I can use them if I need them. 

Wish me luck. 

I'll update on how everything went, afterwards.  

Another Dose Increase

 About 45 days ago I had a med increase, 30mg to 40mg. I have not noticed a huge change but overall I feel liked I'm feeling better, but that can depend on what's happened throughout the day. 

A week or so ago I spent time laying in bed after work, no lights, just crying under the covers. I think I was feeling stressed due to a lot going on at home and work. I work in an Adult Foster Care Home and there is a lot that can happen. I think that day might have been a difficult one. 

I'm working to take time to sit alone after work, sometimes saying high to everyone and then just disappearing to my room for a while. Sometimes my daughter will sit with me and sometimes the grand kids come in too. My room is the quiet body room. No running, jumping, screaming or general craziness is allowed. For the reason my daughter will sit with me almost every day to enjoy some extra and much needed quiet. The kids will visit, and talk, play on their games or sit with me, but the first scream they get cray they have the option to either not be crazy or leave the room. Most of the time one will choose to leave and the other will quiet down. 

The meds are working though and thankfully it's the second med I've been on. I did not want to get stuck in the pattern of going from one med to another every few months. 

I suppose I should get back to my work day. It's half over and I have only 1 day off before coming back.

Things Are Moving Along

This is my second weekend off and not having to move from one place to another, other than between the house and shed. While there is still a lot left to do around the house, the actual moving part is done and I am so happy for that. I have a few small projects I'd like to get done over the next couple of days. I do need to however, find my bedroom floor! It's such a disaster in here and it's driving me nuts. I'll be working on it this weekend though. 

The boys started school this yesterday and it seemed to go pretty well. We toured their schools over a week ago and then one school went on Spring Break one week and the other school was on Spring Break the following week, paper work still had to come together but they are all set now. 

My cats are adjusting, not well, to this move. There are more people and what not around. I think I may need to get them on some anxiety meds. They spent most of their time in my room when I'm not home. they venture upstairs when I am home but they are slow about it and if I move around, they follow me. They are sleeping on the bed as I type this up. I was upstairs for a few hours cleaning and getting dinner in the crock pot, they both wandered up and spent time getting in the way. I had to make some phone calls and do a few things in my room so they followed me down. 

I've got a few errands to do in town today, bank, gas station, and post office, pharmacy, then I'm done with extra stuff until I go to work on Sunday. My days and nights have felt longer but I'm trying to go to bed at a descent time and wake up at roughly the same time. I've been helping to get the boys ready for school too, that's interesting because it's been years since I've had to do that. Honestly I kinda miss it, not a lot, but I'm glad I'm able to be here for my daughter and help her with the boys. I also like being able to see them every day, usually just a little bit before everyone heads out in the morning and then a couple hours in the evening before they go to bed. 

I had better get back to some things around here before I head out for errands. 

Moving!

For the last couple of months my daughters and I have been looking for a place to live, all together. It's been difficult for many reasons but we have managed to find a place. 

I NEED more than just a room, I need to have space outside of my room when I want/need time alone, so I wanted a place with a basement and room for storage because I have a lot of that. WE also needed at least four bedrooms but five would be best. We wanted at least one and a half bathrooms but one would work too. Laundry hook-up because I have my own machines. We wanted some kind of yard for the boys to play outside and not be near traffic and where we could put up fencing for additional safety. 

We found a house and then lost it just as fast to someone else. Then we looked at a couple duplexes and thought for sure we'd get one of them, then we found both of those were gone as well, to other people. However, when looking at the two duplexes we saw there was one being worked on, I inquired about when that would be ready, they left a message for maintenance and I called the next day. The one being worked on was available and would be done by the end of that week. I told them we wanted it and I called my daughters! 

We signed the lease on March 16 and began moving things in that day. I've made multiple trips back and forth, once with a U-Haul van and then with my car. There is still a lot to get from my apartment but I am working on it every single day. i took a day off work so I would have three days in a row to get more stuff out of my apartment for two of those days and then the third day we are bringing my oldest daughter and grandsons up here with all their stuff. 

I've been working on setting up the kitchen with what I've brought over so far. I've began organizing the shed and washed cupboards and windows. On March 22, I'll bring my bed, clothes and cats over, that will take a couple of trips though, but by that evening I will be able to sleep here. If I can get the internet and Wi-Fi going then I'll be able to watch TV too, so far that is not going well at all. 

March 22 the internet was installed, it took him over an hour to find everything and get it updated plus the running back and forth from inside to outside and it's very cold today too, 30* and snowing. 

Another Step

 On Saturday January 27, my sister called to tell me that our brother was in the hospital, on life support. She had gone up to see him early in the day and later on that I picked her up and took her back up there, after I topped off the gas tank. I have not seen in more than 10 years, his choice, he burned bridges with all of his siblings but kept in contact with our dad. Dad also did the same thing, kept to himself, ignore his kids but would occasionally send something for grandkids, well my daughters and my grandsons anyway, I don't think he did that with any of the other grandkids and great grandkids. 

On Sunday, January 28, I got in the car to head to work. Noticed my gas tank was close to 1/2 tank. I traveled about 5 miles from home to the hospital and back so there was no way I used that much gas. Figured there was a leak in the line. 

On Monday, January 29, I got in the car to go to work, it was at 1/4 tank. I pulled out of my spot and backed up...yup, a lot of gas on the ground. I decided to head to the repair shop and find out exactly how bad it was and what it'd cost to repair. After sitting there for three hours they said the fuel lines were completely rusted, as were the brake lines and if they tried to repair it then it would just lead to other issues and they actually didn't want to do it. The cost for beginning repairs was about $3k. I put $10 into the tank and started driving home. Called my boss, told him what was going on and I was going home to sulk and figure out what I'm going to do. 

On Tuesday, January 30, my boss picked me up for work and my daughter picked me up from work and brought me home. Shortly after we finished dinner my sister called me, I knew it was bad news. The doctors are tried to bring our brother out of the medically induced coma he had been in since Friday the 26th and he only had maybe a few hours left. My daughter and I sat for a few minutes and decided to head up there. I wanted to be there for my sister so I changed clothes and grabbed my bag and we headed out. My brother died just after 11pm. My daughter and I were up there until after midnight. 

On Wednesday, January 31, I took the day off from work and did a lot of cooking and a bit of cleaning and otherwise spent the day alone until my daughter came over for dinner. My sister texted me information for the the viewing/service for my brother. My youngest daughter made plans to pick up my oldest daughter so they can both be at the viewing. 

On Thursday, February 1, a co-worker picked me up for work and my daughter picked me up after work. I still had not done anything with my car. I had been looking at cars on line and trying to figure out what to do. 

On Friday, February 2, my daughter came over and we had lunch and then headed out to get me a car. It took a bit of time but I was approved for a lease, which is what my last car was, then I paid it off. The new to me car is 2019 Chevy Trax, its got less than 37k miles on it, which is awesome. The payment is more than I'd like but it's a very necessary at this time so I will get it figured out and make it work. 

This week has been the longest I've had in a while. Tonight I cleaned out the old car and moved it so the tow truck will have an easier time getting it loaded up. Now I'll just have to get the new car straightened out and figure out what needs to stay in it and what doesn't. This is a necessary thing to do and it will be a good thing too. 

Next

Tomorrow I start on the 20mg of Citalopram (Celexa). This past week that I've been on the 10mg I have not really felt any different, guess we'll see if I notice a difference with the 20mg. 

Overall I'm still feeling okay. I don't have a a ton of energy to get things done around my apartment, which I find super annoying, but I am working on that, it's a slow process but I'm working on it. 

Some issues with coworkers were brought to my attention today, I spoke with my supervisor about it today, he said to not worry about it and that two of the people that are making complaints probably won't be around for much longer due to issues with them and not me. It hurts though when people you work closely with and help a lot because you have a better understanding, then says that you don't do anything. I do a lot of things that others don't see because it's been helping to get the house organized and cleaned up and to help ensure that everyone has a bit of an easier time doing their job. The state inspects the house every so often, we have certain rules we have to follow and things that need to be done and part of my job is doing those things. The previous person in my position was not doing nearly the amount of work that I have done since I've been there and I'm going on four months there. 

I like my job. I am still learning things for my assistant supervisor position, and up to this point I think that I've done pretty well. I have a lot of responsibility put on me with making appointments and getting people to those appointments, shopping, inventorying the residents belongings and other things kept in the house because we know that some staff is stealing but we don't have proof. I created and instituted an inventory list for all supplies that we keep in backstock. The stealing has pretty much dropped off, which is good, but some things are still disappearing quicker than they should. 

I think that my meds have been helping to keep me at an even keel with all this stuff that has been going on. I generally do okay under pressure but when that is coupled with learning a lot of new stuff and dealing with people that are rude, that's where it can hard for me. 

I tend to keep myself on my days off because I'm around people a lot and I need time to decompress. The meds make that a bit easier, I don't feel like I'm holding onto things for nearly as long, which is good. 

The joint pain that I was experiencing with the Fluoxetine is nearly gone. I still have some trouble with reaching behind me if I'm not fully turned. I can buckle my seatbelt without pain and crying now. I can move at night without pain and crying. I still have some trouble picking things up with my right hand or holding things with my right arm but it's not nearly as bad as it was. That is great. 

New Day, New Med

Due to major and not common joint pain I stopped taking the Fluoxetine on January 1. I then had three days off meds completely and today I have started my new med, Citalopram (Celexa). The first week is 10mg and then I'll be on 20mg after that. I waited to start it until today because I have two days off from work and if this new med causes sleepiness then I'll know and be able to change the time I take it. So far though, not really feeling tired but it's only been a few hours since I've taken it. 

One thing I didn't want to have happen was start on medication and then have to go through multiples to find one that works for me, but that's part of this process. My doctor asked how I felt while on the Fluoxetine, I didn't feel up or down, even keel for the most part. I wasn't sleeping better, I didn't have more energy but I wasn't really down either, that was a nice feeling. The first couple of weeks were difficult and the joint pain has been horrible but I'm hoping that goes away soon. 

For now, I'll work with the new one and keep track of how I'm feeling overall. 

Next Steps

 Tomorrow I have my med review. I feel like it's been going okay since I've started. I can't say that I feel a lot different than before, other than noticing some triggers that make headaches worse. The last couple of weeks I noticed that my right hand had joint pain when I tried to grab things. That has now begun in my right shoulder and also my right hip. I've had issues with my shoulder for years though so I thought at first it was because of that but this is a lot more pronounced pain than what I've had before. 

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, not sure what will happen but I'd like the joint pains to stop. It's hard to drive, get dressed, shower etc when you have pain with your dominant side. 

Three Weeks Later

 I'm over a month into being on these meds and finally the headaches have stopped. I am more aware of triggers because the headaches are worse with the meds. 

I have not missed a day with the meds and hopefully do not, though my doctor said that if I miss a day, it's okay. I have my morning routine set with them and it's working well. 

My mood is better, I think. Some days I don't feel different but overall I've had a bit more energy and I'm falling asleep a bit easier. I'm not sure I'm sleeping better but that's due to other factors from before I started the meds. 

I had a schedule change with work, every Friday and Saturday off now. This has been a bit of an adjustment but I think it's going to be okay, just getting used to it. 

Today my cousin is coming over to work on Genealogy research. A lot has come up in the last few weeks. Not only have a found a link between my family name and Kyra Sedgwick, BUT, I also found that there is a link between my family and Laura Ingalls Wilder.     

        

This is very exciting news! I knew that there were Ingels in my tree, but I did not think that it would lead to this. I loved watching Little House on the Prairie but I never read the books and I have not seen the movies. Since finding this information I have purchased the movies and if I don't get the series or books for Christmas (they are on my Amazon wish list) then I will buy them for myself. My younger sister started watching the show again and her daughter also watches and likes the show. It's so interesting to know that my family lines has this type of history to it. I know there is more than what was in the show, which I hope to learn through the books and information online as well. 

I've got to get ready for my visit, just a bit more to clean and food to prep. 

The Journey Continues

Week 2 on this med has ended today. The dose was increased from 10mg to 20mg last Saturday. I've had a few days where I felt off and more tired, but today has been an okay day. 

I'm trying to create some new routines in my daily life, like most things it's a process. I've been trying to clean up one area of the apartment when I wake up in the morning, usually the kitchen. It's been hit or miss this week. 

Another step in my journey is that my new job, which I started mid-September, will be changing as of tomorrow. Tomorrow I will officially be an Assistant Supervisor, and while learning more about that position I will be learning about Supervisor tasks as well. My Supervisor thinks they will want to make me a Supervisor within a few months, if I feel I am ready for that when the time comes. 

The Next Step in My Med Journey

Today I started on 20mg of the Fluoxetine. I'm not sure that I feel a difference from the 10 mg but I guess another week or so will probably show something. I don't know though because this is the first time I've been on a medication like this. This past week I have dealt with some headaches. I know that is a side effect of this medication but I was hoping that it would pass me by. I did discover that if an outside trigger hits, then the headache lasts longer, which has to be because of the medication, it kept me out of work one day. I had trouble focusing and concentrating. Normally being outside and getting fresh air helps but it did not work. One trigger was the smell of bleach at work, I was smelling it hours after leaving work. The second trigger this past week was from my visit to the ENT, they did a pressure test and the noise hurt, plus I had two people looking in my ears and tugging on them a bit, that did me in for the rest of the day. 

I've established a routine with everything I take, which includes a daily nasal spray for my seasonal allergies, which I deal with all year because this state weather changes daily.  I also have a list of vitamins that I take. 

The vitamins I take cover my immune system, my heart health, memory and joint issues. I think that the vitamins helped with me not getting COVID until earlier this year. I work in health care and avoided COVID for a very long time. I got the first two shots, in the beginning, and stayed home when not working and limited my time while out. I have three factors that could have made me getting COVID really bad, I am over 50, overweight and I have Asthma. I have spent a lot of time alone over the last few years, when not working. Very glad that when I did get COVID my symptoms were flu like and did not last long. I had a higher than normal temperature for a day or two and then lost my taste and smell for about four days. 

I was hoping that setting a routine with the medication and what not, plus my bedtime, that I'd start sleeping better, so far that has not happened. Maybe in time it will get better?

New Journey For Me

Today I started on Fluoxetine (Prozac) 10mg a day for one week and then it will be 20mg a day. I may ask to keep it at the 10 mg though, if I'm feeling okay or if the 20 mg feels like it's to much then I'll ask about going back down to the 10mg. I do not know how this is going to make me feel but I told my doctor that I would give it a try. She and my first counselor were trying to get me to try meds a couple years ago but I declined, they did not push it hard but if they saw I was not doing as well they would ask again. So far today I've had a funny feeling in my head, but that's it and didn't last long. A couple side effects is being tired but I'm already tired all the time so I'll just have to push through like I normally do. Another side effect was described as a freight train, going and going, I hope that does not happen because that sounds like me on caffeine and that's never good...I'd be moving all day but NEVER get anything done. 

The last month or so I've been feeling more up and down with the depression, not fully taking care of myself and my apartment, I'm still not sleeping well but I think that has other factors beyond the depression and I've had bouts of anxiety where every little thing is making me jump, my hands shake constantly and I spend more time inside, alone. 

I think that some of the depression and lack of self care comes from my friend that I was walking with and going to movies with, just stopped talking to me. There were a few text responses saying they'd get back to me about hanging out and then they didn't. The last text I sent was unanswered, I decided that was it, I was done trying. Even if they get ahold of me I'm not sure that I will want to see them because they just stopped and I don't want to deal that rejection again. Why is having friends, as an adult, harder than when I was younger? I miss having someone to hang out with and walk with. Today is a great day to walk but since I like to walk in the woods and take pictures, for safety reasons I do not walk alone. I miss my friend. I don't have friends close that I can do things with. I am not a bar/club person so I'm not meeting people that way and I only work with a few people, none that I'd hang out with outside of work. 

I'm really trying to push myself today, I don't want to give in to the sleep because I won't be able to do that when I go back to work on Monday. I don't know how much cleaning I'll get done today but I'm hoping enough to make it look better in here.

Why?

 I have never claimed to be a perfect person or parent. I know there are things that I missed or didn't act quick enough on to correct/fix/change. 

What I did do though was to raise my kids on my own, while I was married and then when I finally decided to leave my marriage, with my kids. I struggled in the marriage and outside of the marriage; financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I did what I could for my kids in all ways that I could. Again, I was nowhere near perfect but I did the best I could with what I had to work with, within myself and outside of myself. 

I did what I could do to allow my kids to be kids. I wanted my kids to be kids for as long as they could. My oldest did have to babysit at times because I worked nights a lot and their dad was not always available to them because he did not want to be. 

One thing I know for sure is that for all the time, effort, money, love, patience, everything, that I put into my kids was 100% my choice and I would never change that but as time goes on I realize that it didn't really matter because no matter what, I will always be the bad guy to at least my youngest. 

It was brought to my attention that my youngest does not view me as a person. I am just a mother, I apparently behave differently when around other people, when compared to my kids. My kids have never really seen me in social interactions with people outside of family. My spending time with a former work friend, a male, a friend only, is weird for my kids, at least my youngest. I knew it was going to be weird for them, no matter what, and I knew that they would have questions and comments mainly due to my friend being a lot younger.

I have repeatedly told my kids that this is strictly a friendship, it's a friendship that I am glad to have because we talk, we walk, we laugh; serious stuff, funny stuff, whatever comes to mind. We generally don't have a specific destination when walking other than following whatever trail we are on. Sometimes our walks are silent for a bit, never awkward, never weird, never uncomfortable. I feel safe and comfortable around him, I am happy to be around him, I like being around him and I appreciate him being around and I love having a friend, period. If I am upset he will comfort me, if I trip he will help me and let me hold his hand or arm and I do the same for him. 

When I posted a picture from one of our walks I had one of him that I captioned Best Man Ever, to me, that is what he is. That set off a chain reaction with my kids. My youngest was so angry because she did not know anything about him and at that time I was not ready to share that friendship because I did not want or need her to make it into something it wasn't.

My youngest finally met him in person the other day and throughout our time walking through downtown she made a few snide comments about age, which also happened before she met him. She shared things about herself, which surprised me but then later told her sister that I told him those things and I had crossed a boundary. She also told her sister that she felt like a third wheel. She pretty much invited herself into our walk downtown, he said he was fine if she went so I told her that. She said that he better not have a problem with her being around her mom...she only went because of him, because she wanted to know what he looked like and to be nosey. She did not want to walk around downtown with me to spend time with me. She does not really like me and that becomes more clear as time goes. 

It does not matter what I have done for her throughout her entire life. She is mad that her life is not going like she wants it to and says that it's my fault because she did not ask to be born, but think about it, none of us asked to be born. Everyone here is here because someone else made a choice. I didn't ask to be born into the family I was, I didn't ask to have a broken family, twice over. I didn't ask to struggle like I have. Despite all of that, what I did not do was blame someone else for my problems and tell them I didn't ask to be born and all my problems were their fault because they chose to have me. I take responsibility for my actions, I take responsibility for how my life was/is/goes. I have spent a lot of time working on myself, trying to better myself and finally get the life that I did not have when I was younger/married/had kids. 

I was not the parent that ran around and had men in and out of my house. The majority of my time socializing with others was with my kids and family, not really anyone outside of family members, other than work and I kept work and family separate, most of the time. 

I can understand that my youngest is having a hard time with me being around people she does not know but to be treated like I am doing something wrong and having snide comments made, that's not necessary. She lied to her sister, saying that I said things that I did not say, her sister called her on the lies and so of course she is no mad at her sister. However, after trashing me to her sister, I got a message about needing help with her phone bill for this month. Since she started paying for her phone, which has been on my plan since she got her first phone by high school, she has done great with paying early or on time for nearly two years, until now. Because it's my phone service I have to pay her portion anyway and she'll just pay me back when she starts her new job, which will hopefully be soon. 

In reflection I see that her behavior has only increased when it comes to trash talking me to others, talking bad about me to her sister and treating me like I am not a real person with feelings and that deserves a life. 

I spent a lot of time being a wife and mother and finally reached a point where I have a friend that I actually see in person and she is upset about it, for whatever reason. She said she felt like a third wheel while out with me and my friend, but yet also said that the next time we go walking downtown, she wants to go too. Why? She doesn't really like me, she doesn't have any respect for me or what I've sacrificed for her, her entire life. What I sacrificed to send her to college, trips she took while at college, the trips back and forth through multiple states to get her there and back multiple times a year, and the extra cost for storing things we didn't have room to bring back. 

99% of my interactions with her are a lie because she always has an ulterior motive. She visits me so she can do her laundry and get a meal she doesn't have to cook or pay for. But to keep using me for things then trash talking me to whoever will listen, I think I've reached my limit. As soon as her job is set and she's gotten through her first paycheck she will be removed from my phone plan. If she wants to continue to complain about how much her life sucks and it's my fault then I feel like I will need to distance myself a bit. 

I hate that I even have had to think about this, either way though, doing nothing or limiting interaction she will make it out to be my fault so I should at least make sure that she can't use me like she has been doing. 

I have always done what I could for my kids without much help from their dad, even when he was living in the same house. I didn't drink or do drugs, I was not sleeping around and setting bad examples for my kids. She takes after her dad in so many ways and it's the one thing that makes me so sad because no matter what, everything has to be about her and when it's not she is more than happy to twist things around to make herself look like the victim. 

I have encouraged her to seek therapy and work through her problems but for years she has refused too or says that it won't work, but she has not tried. I am at a loss for what to do next. I hope that she realizes that she needs help and gets help, she has put a huge rift in our little family and it's breaking my heart. 

New Path

August 16 I texted a former co-worker about the possibility of job where he went too. August 17 I visited him at his job, he showed me around. August 18 I applied for a job and he let me know that he gave my name to some higher ups. August 21 I spoke with someone from this new place, that went well and we set up a day/time for a video interview. August 22 I did the interview and it went really well. They said "WELCOME". I messaged my former co-worker and he said they loved me and gave 100% positive feedback. I had some help with getting started and with where I will be working but ultimately if I did not interview well, I would either be looking elsewhere or staying where I currently am. 

I made a few phone calls and talked to a couple people to let them know how the interview went, texting one person to call me, he did and while we were talking he began filling out an application to the same place. We have both discussed how things have been at work lately and I told him about this place. Our field is demanding, exhausting, mentally and emotionally stressful, rewarding and more but the stress has gotten worse. The behaviors have gotten worse, to the point of physical harm. Neither of us want to continue with that. I also messaged another former co-worker, he was also considering switching jobs. 

This new job has fewer people to deal with on a daily basis, it's a calmer facility, I'll work full time days, which will take some getting used too. Maybe having "normal" hours will help with sleeping better? I'll be out in the mornings, which is not good in the winter but I'll deal with it. This job will allow for advancement with less to deal with at first versus the current job. 

The new job is the first time on my new path. August 23 I signed my 4th lease with my apartment complex. During this meeting I confirmed that the owners are working on another apartment complex and will begin taking applications around February 2024 and the building is supposed to be done in July 2024. I think my next step will be moving to a new area. I don't mind where I am now but I also would prefer to be out of the city. The area the new building is going would put me about the same distance I drive now but I'd avoid the highways completely and I'd be closer to some shopping, walking distance. 

I'm ready for the changes. It's time I moved on from where I am now and into something better and hopefully a bit bigger. This new job could also lead to me being able to get back into school and finally finish my masters program, I may have to redo some classes but I'll figure that out when the time comes and the new job also comes with some tuition reimbursement as well. 

New friend to hang out with for movies, walks and other adventures. New job, new apartment coming up. All good changes for the new path. Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds. 

Why do I keep trying and when will I stop?

I am not new to people making plans with me and then either backing out last minute or simply not showing up. It has happened so often that I am honestly surprised when someone actually keeps their plans. Often times I fight myself to not break plans before someone else does, because if I break the plans then I won't be hurt once again and my trust won't be broken, once again. 

In conversations with people about friendship and trust, I always think and at times end up saying "I don't trust anyone". When asked "Why?" I answer because I have spent a lot of years being given reasons to not trust people, followed by examples. 

At work I trust, for the most part, because that involves a small group of people who all have the same goals for eight hours. 

Outside of work, in my personal life, I have very little trust in pretty much everyone because I've been let down to many times. 

Why do I decide to keep trying, when it ends up bad?

     I keep telling myself "It'll be different this time"

Why do people do this? 

    Very good question and I will probably never get an answer

Why do people not respond to messages to set up or confirm plans? 

    I suspect they don't want to hurt my feelings by canceling. However, not responding is a VERY LOUD RESPONSE and hurts A LOT more than just canceling

Why is it so hard to say "I've changed my mind" or "I don't want to go"

    Another good question and I will probably never get an answer

Why does this happen to me, all the time?

    Good question. I am not sure

Why do I keep trying? 

    Because I am stupid in thinking that people will change

When will I stop?

    I'm thinking now is a good time. 

I constantly worry when I do make plans, that they will cancel at the last minute. I've worked hard to message every so often but not so much that I seem needy. If I get no response after a couple messages, then I am done trying, I won't keep trying after that, it gives me time to come to terms with being canceled on again, through ghosting.

Because I end up doing so much on my own anyway, it's probably best to just keep it that way. People have proven time and time again that they will not follow through for whatever reason. My upcoming plans will happen with just me and as much as I don't like it, it's just how it is. It's one more person to not trust and I won't ask again.