Arizona Trip: Day One

*I will do this at the end of each day for the rest of the trip, I was too tired last night. 

We left Michigan about 10:15 am on April 7, 2018, after doing a bit more shopping and topping off the gas tank. 

We got further than I expected too on day one. We made it through Michigan, a bit of Indiana, down Illinois, through Missouri and in to Kansas. I booked a room in Lawrence, Kansas but it ended up being for the wrong night, they wanted over $100 for one night, at a Motel 6. Nope, not gonna pay that much. We had to backtrack to Topeka and ended up at a Super 8. 

I got a descent nights sleep after taking a shower. Did a bit of school work as well. 

It was a long day of driving but it was a good day. The traffic was minimal for the majority of the drive, which I am very grateful for. Once we reached certain area, at night, the traffic was heavier, that part was not so great. 

All in all, day one was a good day. I drove from 10:15 am - nearly Midnight Michigan time. Kansas is one hour behind Michigan time. By the time we reach our destination we will be three hours behind Michigan and hopefully in much warmer weather. 

Making Plans

     I'm making plans for my trip to Phoenix, in April. It's going to be a long trip just getting there, at least three days. Then I will have about eight days in Phoenix, four will be for school and the rest will be for visiting family and checking out Phoenix. It's been a long time since I've been to Arizona, I'm really looking forward to my time away.
     As of right now I have someone going with me, I'm hoping that doesn't change, having someone else with me will make the trip easier, not so boring and hopefully it will feel faster. 
     I'm working on mapping out the route I want to take. Right now I'm thinking of heading into Lawrence, Kansas, even if it's just for one night. Some of you might recognize Lawrence, Kansas, the home of the Winchester family...The town apparently was chosen as the home town because of it's history of "urban legends and strange occurrences" (according to hypable.com). Either way, it could be an interesting place to check out. 
     I am also hoping to spend a bit of time in New Mexico, on my way to Arizona, I will have to see what time allows me to do. 
     Having missed vacation in 2016 and 2017, this is a much needed trip for me. I've been wanting to get back out there for a road trip since my last one in 2015.      This trip will be my longest so far. 2019 might have me at three weeks on the road, I'd like to add Oregon to my plans, but that is a whole other post.
     It's late for me, I need sleep so I can finish my work week tomorrow. 

Good night 

Time Closing In

     I feel like time is closing in on me and there won't be enough of it to do what I want to do. There is so much to do right now and I have little energy to do it. Some days my brain says stop and lay down to sleep. 
     Working 40+ a week, school, on-line training for a new part time job (it's a good job!), getting out of debt, trying to plan my trip that has to happen in two months without having any money for it yet and figuring out where I will end up by the end of the year...it's all stressing me out, way more than I would like. 
      My life has been condensed to one small room, a pile of totes in a small shed and one part of a basement. I'm beyond ready to run away and needing my own space to stretch out. That is number one on my list of goals for this year, getting back to my own space again.  
     This is how things have ended up, for now, I will keep doing what I have always done, find a way to keep pushing through everything until I reach my goal. Keep pushing through school to maintain my GPA, schedule what needs to be done for the new job (CPR/First Aid & TB Test) and finish my online training. Get the money situation handled for my trip and consolidate my debt and get it out of the way. Once I get a handle on that stuff I will finally be able to focus on expanding my personal space. 
     I know where I'd like to end up, for now, but I'm also trying to keep my options open for more changes in the future. What I'm doing now for work and school, will have a huge impact on my future and where I end up by the time I finish my degree. That is what I'm looking forward to the most when looking at long term goals. I can't wait to see where all this work, time shut in my room and countless hours on the computer are going to land me. 
     Everything can look bleak and be very stressful, but there will always be something to focus on, finding what is important, keeping it close to you and pushing through the stress. I give up once in awhile, but not usually for very long. I take a step back and leave the computer alone and just lay down (like last night) and then I get back up and continue on (like this morning).
     Time for today to begin. 

New Year, New Goals, New Life

2018 has finally arrived...what would I like to see happen this year? 

I would like financial stability for myself and my children, after the last 14 months, it's beyond needed and deserved. Stability meaning all debt paid off and savings account built up. 

I would LOVE to be able to buy a house this year, it's not first on my list though, there is much work to be done before I can seriously think about this buying at any point this year. 

Vacation! I missed my vacation in 2016 and 2017, I really need one in 2018. If things go the way they are supposed too then I will work a road trip in after my first residency in April. My plan is to work my way up the West Coast and see a lot of new things before heading home. I just need to find someone to go with me, I don't want to drive across the country alone, I could, I just don't want too. 

I will be meeting my second grand baby in late summer, that will be exciting, there is much to do to help my daughter get ready, she is nervous but I know they can do this and do it well. She is a good mom already, I know she will continue to be a good mom to the new baby as well. 

Fingers crossed that my time working with the temp agency leads to full time employment. I'm glad to be away from the job that was taking its toll on me physically, I'd like to avoid shoulder surgery so getting away from that job now is necessary and seems to be working, I've had very few issues over the last couple of months. 

What would you like to see happen in your life in 2018? 

Feel free to comment on this or any other post. 

Loss

     There are many ways to lose someone; death, being walked away from, walking away from a negative person, to name a few. The questions is...How do you deal with loss? 

     Loss due to death, everyone deals with this in their own way; crying, screaming, ignoring it, withdrawing from family and friends, fall into a depression, feel alone. 

     Loss due to someone walking away from you, like death loss, people will cry, be angry, withdraw from family and friends, fall into a depression, feel alone. 
     
     Loss due to being the one to walk away from a negative person; this is a controlled feeling, typically if you are the one to leave, you've thought about it and made plans for it. If you are the one to walk away, it still hurts because it's the end of something you wanted to last but realized it couldn't. 

     Loss due to a negative person, their negativity can come at you in many ways. Lies, comments, comparisons about your lives, where one thing is okay for one person but not the other person. What if the loss happened because of simple and proven lie, not even a big lie, a small stupid lie, something not even worth lying about? 

     This is something that I've recently been dealing with. It's making me question an entire relationship and how many times I've wondered if I were being lied too but couldn't prove it so I pushed it aside. I ignored claims of this person being a liar by an one of their exes but didn't believe because at that time, I didn't feel I was being lied too and saw no signs or reasons why I would be lied too. Now years of my life are in question. 

     Part of me is okay with not having contact and okay if there is no more contact but another part of me is not okay with it because this person was a big part of my life for many years, I think that is the hardest part for me, the loss of that long friendship. 

     I don't know if this person will decide to talk to me again, I guess I'm okay with it either way, but I don't think that I'll trust what I'm told anymore, from this person. I will always wonder if what I'm told is the truth or how much is exaggerated or a flat out lie. Maybe it's better to just not have contact anymore. I don't think I want to have a relationship where I'm constantly wondering if I'm being lied too, that is no way to live. 

     How do you deal with loss? I'm not 100% sure about how I want to deal with this, I guess I will take it one day at a time, I feel that is all I can do at this point. 

Life Changes

This will be the biggest life change for me since I got divorced in 2011. I have been going through a lot lately, like many others. Most days I feel like giving up. 

I am moving in two weeks, I have been cleaning out a room in my moms house, that's where I will be staying for awhile. I've spent a lot of time getting the room cleaned out and pulling up carpet. Today I painted the walls/ceiling and some of the trim, I will finish tomorrow.

I sent a picture of the paint colors I picked to my daughter and was met with an angry reply about how stressed she is and she doesn't have time to look at my color swatches. Her response was typical, she still doesn't seem to understand or care that I am dealing with a lot as well and that I am under stress every minute of every day. Will I have enough gas to get back and forth to work, will I have money to buy food, can I make my car and insurance payments?  Do I work on school or packing, do I work on getting the room done, drop a load of stuff off? How much sleep will I be able to get? 

My response to her was not the greatest, it was said in anger, fear, frustration and hurt. No one really asks me how I'm doing with everything I have going on. Work, school, trying to sell some things, packing and moving small loads at a time, until I can get the Uhaul to move everything else, all with no help and a lot of stress. 

I'm trying to be positive about this whole move, the message from my daughter reminded me of just how alone I am in this whole thing. At the very least, I expected some sort of support from my children, since I've always supported them, in whatever ways I could. I guess it doesn't go both ways. 

I have to give up my own house (it's a rental, but still). I will be further from work, I have to store the majority of my things and live in someone else's house. I will have my cats with me, that's good. I hope they do okay with the move.  

I will keep doing what I've been doing pushing through each day until this move is done and maybe then I will be able to relax for a minute. I don't see things getting easier any time soon. This is what I do though, I push myself through because there isn't anything else I can do. 

Once I'm settled I will begin working on getting another job, working January to mid November is great, and I enjoy having the holidays off but once mid November hits I have no money coming in to pay my bills unless I find another job for that six weeks. 

Time to check into school, before I head to bed. It's been a very long day for me, emotionally and physically. Tomorrow is another day full of things that I need to do, starting with putting one foot in front of the other. 

Masters of Scence in Counseling/Clinical Mental Health Counseling - Basic

                         Basic
     I have not really shared what my Masters degree was in, yet. No one has really asked either, I'm sure if they really want to know, they will ask. Maybe part of the reason I haven't shared is because I feel that I will be judged for this decision? I know that some people would, some feel that counselors don't really do anything but tell people what to do and judge them for what they do or say. I can understand why people would feel that way, that is often times how it is portrayed in the movies and on television. 

     I feel that counseling is important, but people need to be open to it, if it is going to work. If you walk into a counseling session, assuming it is crap that does not work then it will not work. Even the smallest amount of open mindedness can help break through the walls that people tend to put around themselves. 

     Last week I asked the question "what does a counselor do", on Facebook. Only a few people replied, not nearly as many as I expected though. A few peoples opinions were basically that counselors do not do much of anything. I think that many people generalize counseling, there are many types of counselors; credit/debit counseling, mental health counseling, life coaches is another side of counseling that can have a wide range of uses. I received more responses from people that felt that counseling was positive. Those that suffer from depression and anxiety often seek counseling along with medication to help manage the disease. Military personnel, veterans and current, as well as those that have been through something traumatic can suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), counseling, at various levels can help them deal with their trauma. 

      This week I have to write a timeline about the history of counseling. This should be interesting, I haven't really looked at the history of counseling, learning something new is always a good thing.

Question for myself: 
What do I expect to get out of this degree? All of my degrees?

     My goal from the beginning was to finally do what I should have done many years ago, high education for the betterment of myself. My goal is to get back to where I was in 2003, reopen my home daycare. I have been wanting to reopen for a long time, at this point I do not know if I will be able to make it happen, but I will keep pushing forward. 

     My associates in education will assist in educating the children in my daycare. Yes this is a fairly simple thing to do on a day to day basis, but having the school background will help parents make the decision to consider my daycare. My bachelors in business will assist me when it comes to the financial end of running a home based daycare. Having a masters in counseling will assist in dealing with children and their parents.

     Each degree that I have and am earning can be used within the school system, or a business setting. Without furthering my education degree I could become a parapro and work in a school, the business degree will allow me to run my own business more effectively or work for another company. The counseling degree, will allow me to work with others in the same field, and in a school, but could also be helpful with an office position and dealing with various personality types and some of the financial aspects of the company as well. 

     The point to each of these degrees, other than building my own business is to finally find my place. To do what will makes me happy. 

🍷🍷 Here's to making my future what I want it to be.