Some things I learned

Since 2017 I have learned a lot. Coming to realizations is not always fun and I came to a few over the last four plus years. 

I learned that asking for help is important, to get through some situations. You cannot do everything on your own, no matter how much you want to or try. 

In 2017 I was audited by the IRS and it ended up taking a year to receive my refund. I held on as long as I could and I couldn't do it anymore, financially. I went to family for help, I couldn't offer much financially so I offered to help clean and organize their house, my offer was accepted. I began with spending two weeks cleaning out the room I would be staying in. I dumped so much stuff covered with cat urine, old food, half full trash bags, broken things etc. I put a couple shelves in the closet to help hold some of my smaller things. I repainted the walls and the floor. I moved into the bedroom and  loaded all my life's belongings to the basement, in totes and boxes. 

I sorted through my belongings before moving, I sorted through my belongings again after moving. I helped my family member sort out things they wanted to donate and called Salvation Army for a donation pick up. Lots of stuff gone. I opened all the windows during the day to help air out the smell of animal urine that had been soaked into the wood under the flooring in the kitchen. Between working on my new room, my job and school I worked on the main floor of the house. The kitchen was awful, it took me a couple of days to get all the dishes washed by hand and with the dishwasher. I fixed drawers bottoms sinking down from the weight, I put drawer fronts back on as well as knobs that had fallen off. I dumped old expired food and wiped down cupboard shelves and scrubbed the fridge and freezer. The food prep area was finally done! The rest of the kitchen though, not even close. I worked on the living room, cleared away clutter and trash, it was usable again. 

I eventually was working two job, first shift through a temp agency 40 hours a week and then a part time job with a new company 10 hours a week, I went from one to the other every single day for months. I spent part of my evenings doing more cleaning around the house, making dinner, sharing what I made a few times a week. I spent my nights and weekends doing homework and trying to recover from my week of work, then I did it all over again. 

I needed this help in order to work more and put extra money towards paying off bills I had just put into consolidation to eliminate the growing interest and set up small payments that I could handle as well as my car payment, phone and insurance payments. I made to much to receive help with food costs so I was also paying for my own food. 

A lot happened during my time living with this family member. It was while I was there that I began counseling and getting my medical health checked out. I knew I needed additional help, though I tried to deny it and I told myself I had everything under control, I did not. I was angry, I cried a lot, I yelled and my frustration showed every single day. Some of this because of my financial situation, some of it because of where I was living and who I was living with and how they made me feel and how they used me. 

Some may say that we used each other or that I was ungrateful. Did I use this family member? to an extent, I was not in a position to offer more than helping with their home, when I could do something financially, I did. 

Asking for help is important, it's never easy, it never will be easy, but it is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. 

Been a while. Let's play catch up, shall we?

 A lot has happened since my last post in October 2018. I was living with my mother during my last post. I ended up leaving in July 2019. I have barely spoken to her and other members of my family since then. 

July 2019 - May 2020 I moved to my half sisters apartment for awhile, the room was small but it was nice to get out of the chaos that I was in previously. My cats were not as happy though, my sister had a cat and he was a little to friendly with them. I had to keep them in my room, we even tried separating the apt a bit with a door but her cat still managed to get into my space a lot. 

I continued to work (worked with kids with Autism) during this time but then the pandemic hit and things began shutting down in March 2020. I made plans to go out for my birthday, but everything shut down a few days before, that ruined my plans. I ended up having two weeks off from work and my supervisor suggested doing our sessions online. That started me working from home at the beginning of April 2020. We had to get creative with how we did our sessions and I had to learn how to use Zoom. I hated being on camera but after a couple weeks it got easier. We were able to see people from our in person social group again and over time it expanded, we eventually had 4 clients, 4 techs and various supervisors that joined us weekly for group sessions. 

Things were fine at my sisters, difficult in various ways at times but she allowed me time to work on myself and was very patient with me financially. When work got slow because of the pandemic I ended up filing for unemployment. Not ideal and it was a pain but it was extremely helpful for me in so many ways. I was able to give my sister money to help with rent and utilities but I was really feeling stuck and cramped a lot of the time. This was the second place I had been I only had a small room. As much as my sister tried to make me feel at home and as much as I appreciated her help I really needed my own space. 

During the majority of this time I had been keeping an eye on a new building that was going up, brand new apartment that I was waiting to apply for, income based, just what I needed! 

I used the unemployment money, pandemic relief money and my job pay and made a plan to pay off all my debt consolidation, medical bills and my car, which was leased. I made larger payments on everything for the remaining months of 2020. I also worked out how to save money to move into my own place. My sister informed me that the house the apartment was in had been sold. So I began searching for a new place to live, until the apartment building began taking applications. 

In May 2020 I moved into a friends house, he had a room to rent and he was okay with my cats too. The room itself was descent sized, I had a big cupboard in the kitchen were I kept my food, I had a drawer and shelf in the bathroom for my things and space in the fridge and freezer as well. There was a washer and dryer in the basement so no more laundry mat! When I moved in, my first thought was "this is going to be great!" The first month was fine, he lived a quiet life (except when he was drinking), had friends over once in awhile. Sometimes I'd sit outside with him and talk or we'd watch television together and talk about different shows we liked and share ones we thought the other would like. 

June comes around and things started to change, slowly. I noticed that some of my food was disappearing, dishes in the cupboard started disappearing as well, pots and pans and then small things in the bathroom too. He was upset that I was not willing to clean up after him with the microwave, which I rarely used. He decided that he needed to take the pieces out of it so I couldn't use it. I brought my own in from my storage and kept it in my room. Over the course of the summer he started doing other things. He was blocking the basement stairs, he removed the pieces from the top of the stove so it couldn't be used, he was stealing my food so I put it all in my room. He put bleach in my laundry soap, which I caught before putting it in the washer. He was doing something to my bathroom stuff so I removed all of it all and washed everything. The night before I left to go to my aunts house, the weekend before my apartment was ready to move into, he took the door off the only bathroom in the house. He spent a week randomly pounding on my door so hard that he put multiple holes in it. I'm pretty sure he cut one of the brand new tires on my car too. I changed where I parked my car and kept a camera pointed at my car all the time until I was able to leave. I have video and audio recordings of his harassment. Through all this I was trying to find a different place to life, short term or long term, at this point I just needed out. It was difficult trying to find a place I could afford and would accept my cats. One place accepted me but wanted to talk to him, he refused to answer the phone and I lost that place because they wouldn't proceed without talking to him about my rent payments. 

November 6, 2020 With help from some family and a Uhaul van I packed up everything I had in the room in his house and went to stay with my aunt until my apartment was going to be ready. I couldn't stay in that house anymore, the trauma he put me and my cats through, the daily threats, I needed to get out for my and my cats safety. As I waited in line to pay for my Uhaul I got a call from the apartment complex, my apartment would be ready to move into on November 10. I had already set everything up to leave that house so I was sticking to it. One of my older sisters agreed to watch my cats for me, my aunt had a cat and two dogs and did not want anymore animals in the house. I hated being away from them, especially after all the trauma they had been through but I didn't have a choice. I spent the long weekend sitting in the room my aunt provided me, talking to a cousin who helped me immensely during the last bit of time I was in the awful place. I was very shaken and could not handle loud noises. 

November 10, 2020 I moved into my new apartment after a day of dealing with last minute errors on my paperwork. I had some help moving things in from a few different people. Once the Uhaul van was unloaded I called my sister so she could bring my cats over, my nephew showed up with them a little bit later. They were still scared and away from me for days then dropped off at a new place. They spent a lot of time sleeping on my bed. Every day I told them they could go where they wanted too, they were home and was big and they would not be closed in a room again. I didn't say much more than "Hi" to people that I ran into during elevator trips up and down. Because I was still working from home and the pandemic was still in full force, I didn't go out much so my cats and I spent a lot of time in the apartment with the door locked. For months any loud noise we all jumped and froze. I didn't answer knocks at my door unless I knew someone was coming over and only a few people had my new address. 

Now, we have been in this apartment for just over a year, second year lease was signed early and I'll be signing my third lease this coming summer. I spent the first month here cleaning out the storage unit. I got rid of a lot of stuff, some trashed, some left for others in the building to have and some things I donated to Good Will. I'm still working on getting fully organized but so far the apartment is set up how I like it but I'm on a wait list to get into a bigger apartment so I have the space for my grandbabies to sleep when they come to visit and so I can create a better space for exercising and my office. I have made friends with a couple of the neighbors on my floor but for the most part I still keep to myself. 

The trauma may never go away but I don't always jump when I hear loud noises. I've started talking to other people and even have some people over to my apartment too, though the people are limited that know where I live, for many reasons, I do now allow some in. The first year I only allowed a few people over and that didn't happen often. 

That year I got a second job, less pay but steady hours, I am still learning more at this job. This year I quit the job I had for almost four years, no clients to work with and what was available did not work with the job that had steady hours. I am getting a raise at my current job, still less than the one I quit but I get raises and bonus', unlike the old job and my supervisors actually talk to me and listen to what I have to say and ask for my feedback. 

That's the last few years, condensed, it's not all pretty and fun but I've surviving it every day. I'm feeling happier now and my cats are doing better, for the most part. The trauma they went through still shows at times.

My girls, Luna in the top photo and Bellatrix in the bottom. Their names fit them very well. 

Vindication and Karma

Do you believe in Karma?
     I believe that when you spend your time doing bad things, being mean to people, lying to and about people, eventually it will all come back on you. Your meanness and lies will be reveled and those that believed you will no longer, if they are smart anyway. 

     I was married for 20 years. After I moved out things were okay, he was being nice and helpful, until I wouldn't spend a night with him and he realized that I really wasn't coming back. Then he was mean, he wouldn't help with the kids. He was mad because he didn't get his way. I was no longer listening to him. I was never the type of wife to wait on him hand and foot, that's not me, he was not a baby, he knew how to do things on his own. Did I make his meals, fill his plates? Sure. but I didn't walk away from my meal to get him more. Did I take care of the house and kids and make sure our utilities stayed on? Sure. Did I work outside the house in addition to everything I did at the house? Yes, I did.I shoveled the snow in the winter because he had a bad back and I didn't want him doing that much extra with all he was already doing for our family. 

     I did a lot for my family, like most moms, I put my kids first, I provided for them and did for them, the same as I did my husband. After a few years of marriage, when the first one arrived, he changed, started going out dirt bike riding and hunting because he needed to relax. I was a stay at home mom then so I poured myself into raising my daughter. I tried for years to make our family what we discussed before we had our first daughter. He didn't seem interested. The second arrived almost five years later, he was more interested but still not really involved like I had hoped that he would become. When both kids were old enough we started watching the Harry Potter movies at the theater, it was our special treat, a family thing we did, he went with us for the first couple and after that he said he didn't want to go. The girls were hurt, we started watching them as a family and he was choosing to walk away. The girls and I finished the series without him. We did a lot of things without him.
     
     The divorce came to late, I always wish that I had left sooner, it will always be a regret of mine. Because I believed him when he said he wanted to make our marriage work, that he wanted to be a family, he would play the part for a little while and then stop. At some point I stopped believing him and began to withdrawal. My "attempts" at having a happy family were over and after some time and a lot of reflection I was okay with it. Moving out was the best thing I had done and it happened at time when I was stressed, depressed, frustrated and angry. The stress of being a full time single parent made me withdrawal more into myself. I took nearly everything that reminded me of him out of the house. All but two photos that he was in were gone, I got rid of Christmas stuff, things he gave me, most of them anyway, some I've had trouble parting with but others I was glad to get rid of. 
     
     The last couple of days have been very revealing for me, about my ex-husband. He married shortly after the divorce was final, within six months or so, I think. I didn't really care, I had moved on. His wife though, she would come with him to pick up my daughter, some times she would come alone to pick up my daughter. Every single time she gave me dirty looks, she never said Hi or Hello, she never asked how I'm doing, she just sat in the car glaring at me. I honestly felt bad for her because she didn't know the truth, she didn't know what I had been through, she listened to his lies. 

    The last couple of days I found out that they are getting divorced. He was cheating on her. I suspected that he was cheating on me but I didn't have proof, other than he kept accusing me of cheating on him and then I told him that I thought he was cheating and he didn't deny it. That's all I needed to know. I was officially done with him and trying was over. In 2010 I began making my plans to leave and after a couple months the girls and I moved out, on April Fool's Day. 
     I've been messaging with his soon to be ex, he lied to her like he lied to me, he was cheating on her, talking to "women" on-line but I'm pretty sure that they were men from other countries, based on how they spoke in text. He was smoking pot and lying to her about it, just like he did with me. He put his wants before the necessities of the house. He used her for the money she had, she paid off his debts to his brother, she lost her tax refund to his child support because he didn't tell her he was behind. He used her for vacations, got a house out of her and a new truck. When my youngest turned 18 and he was not longer required to keep medical insurance on the kids, he dropped them from the medical insurance, medical insurance that she paid for through her job. He told her a few months ago that he fell out of love with her a couple years ago, about the time his parental responsibilities ended. He didn't need her any more then, she had covered his financial stuff so he was good. She realized that she had been used. 
    She found out about everything in July of this year, the day after, she went to an attorney. Her family is supporting her in divorcing him. She removed herself from his auto loan and the second house they bought together but I suspect it was more her. I think she should have sold it or forced him to buy her out of her half, she made her decision and she's now done with him. She will have no responsibility for where he lives. She feels that soon enough he will be homeless and jobless and then he'll probably end up back at his brothers house, in debt again, going through forecloser, again. 
    Vindication for me, at least with some people. I spent years being told I was crazy, that I made things up, that I lied, that I didn't try, that I took his kids away from him. I spent years fighting myself, I spent years telling myself that I really did try everything I could think of to make the marriage work and it wasn't all my fault. I spent years feeling alone and hurt and had a whole group of people who despite seeing what I went through in the marriage still abandoned me and my daughters when I walked out. They believed everything he said and I was the bad person that was finally gone and no longer existed. I think that losing that family hurt me more than walking away from him, which is sad but it's the truth. His wife now knows the truth and has expressed to me that some of what he has told her, she now believes were lies because he made the same accusations towards her. She now sees him for who and what he truly is; a liar, a manipulator, a user, a cheater, and substance abuser. I'm sure I'm forgetting but that list is long enough. 

     I looked through the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Looking at the criteria, he falls under Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). He is on meds but about to lose his insurance because it's through HER work. He's threatened her, she's changed the locks on the house and has multiple police that live in her area, they are keeping an eye on her and her home, in case he decides to come over without her knowing.
      
     For anyone who has gone through even part of what I have, who has felt that they were not believed, was turned on by others who believed the lies. Their time will come. Karma will come back around, you will get your own vindication. You just need to be patient enough to wait it out and let those people keep digging their holes, eventually they won't be able to get out. 

Set Backs

Set backs happen whether we like them or not, they are, annoying, frustrating and also unavoidable. 

The past nine weeks have been difficult for me. I had instructor in school who was pretty tough, I can handle that, but what I can't handle is being failed in a class when the instructor consistently changed how she graded, didn't offer advice and came off as petty and annoyed when questions were asked. Her notes in the assignments were good, helpful but outside of assignments, the feedback was not good. Upon failing me she posts a note that says "Best Regards". She knew that she failed me, she knew that I needed to be at 80% or higher to pass the class and keep moving forward with the program. 

I am now stuck in a limbo, waiting. I've contacted my academic adviser, the committee that deals with student issues has already contacted the instructor to see if the grades are final or if she is willing to look at them again, she said they are final. Now I'm waiting for the grade dispute, it should have begun yesterday. A couple of days ago I sent nine attachments with a summary for each attachment to my adviser, these will be used for the grade dispute. 

During the class there were multiple group assignments. I was the team lead on at least three of them. The school has programs for checking grammar and for plagiarism. I used them both for the assignments, made the corrections and then put the corrected info back into the assignment. When the assignment came back, after grading, all the corrections I made were not actually corrected. This happened two weeks in a row until I realized that the problem was with the program. I contacted the instructor and posted about the problem in the group. The instructor refused to reconsider the grade, she didn't ask about seeing the report from fixing the errors. Another issue was that she changed the requirements of an assignment but didn't say anything. My group followed the assignment instructions and then were told that part of it didn't count, the part she excluded and docked points for, she said we didn't have enough content. I finished this class with 78.4%, it's a program requirement that the grades stay at 80% or higher to remain in the program.

Next steps. I am hoping to hear back Monday about the grade dispute. I am hoping that the information I sent to my adviser will get the points I need back so that I will have passed the classed. If I do not get these two points back after the grade dispute then I will have to take this class over again, along with doing a couple other things, the new class won't start until November 27th. This break in the class flow is going to set me back a couple months. I'm supposed to be finishing my degree in December 2020, this delay will put finishing to the beginning of 2021. 

At this point all I can do is wait. I'm trying to keep myself busy outside of work, which isn't easy, I  mainly spend time watching movies and Netflix. Once I'm back in class I can refocus my time again. 

Masters of Scence in Counseling/Clinical Mental Health Counseling - Intermediate

                 Intermediate
     I started this portion of my program on April 24, 2018, having passed each of the Basic Counseling class with an A-. I can't fall below 80% (B-), if that happens I can be kicked out of the program.
     This new level started with Research methods, and they are not joking about the research part! So far I have worked on assignments that have articles that are assigned and I've also had to find my own topics to research and fill out forms and write papers about. The hardest part so far, finding topics that are interesting and contain the information I need to complete the assignment.
     I still have to work in groups, this time however, I'm working with two people I met during residency, Terrica and Tameka. Both have their stories, like me, both are strong women and they have been great to work with on our group assignments. We have a basic set up for when we need to have our portions posted to the group thread and it's working out pretty well so far. We've had plenty of time to complete our portions, get everything put together and submitted a day before it's due. This group is now in my top two, yup, only two have been good so far, in almost four years of working with groups.
     Time to get some stuff done on at least one of my assignments, they are all due on Monday and I still need to work on participation posts as well. More assignments with these classes, I need a better system to get everything done in a timely manner without feeling overwhelmed.
     Wish me luck :)
   

Arizona Trip Day Ten

     We spent the morning just hanging out. Carmen has been sick for the majority of the trip, bad cough, trouble breathing and sleeping. She has been in an almost full sit up position every night since we got to Phoenix.

     We did manage to get out for a bit though. We went to the Heard Museum, if you have not been, you should go. It's  all about the Native American Indian Tribes. It's a beautiful museum, I'm glad that we had the chance to see it. They offer tours through part of the museum, or you can wander on your own. We did both. It's eye opening. There is also a small room that plays a video on a loop about how pottery is made and how it's a dying art, newer generations are not learning about how to do it to keep it going.
   
     If you are in Phoenix, I highly recommend that you take a trip to this museum. Beautiful and sad stories and beautiful art work and traditions. 

Another Ending, Another Beginning

     Jenyfer has finally finished her second year of college. She spent the last couple of days getting her room packed up. Yesterday we got a car load of stuff moved to the storage unit and then the rest of her stuff packed into the car.
     The drive to and from Greenville, PA is only six hours but it sure feels a lot longer. The drive to Topeka, KS felt shorter! I think it's because I make the drive more often, to Greenville.
     Now, she waits for her final grades to be posted.  Every year I hope that the new year will be better than the last. For Jenyfer and school, I think she did a lot better this school year, she has been happy with the grades that have been posted so far, anxious for the last of them.
     Jenyfer will begin looking for a summer job, fingers crossed that she finds one fast, she has things to take care of this summer. She does have a line on one so far. Her best friend is getting married in August, she'll have to prepare to go back to school in August as well. She is also planning to change her last name, to mine, and then there is her drivers training and license stuff as well. It's going to be a big summer for her, especially if we can get everything done this year.
     Wish us luck, we might need that extra push.