Vindication and Karma

Do you believe in Karma?
     I believe that when you spend your time doing bad things, being mean to people, lying to and about people, eventually it will all come back on you. Your meanness and lies will be reveled and those that believed you will no longer, if they are smart anyway. 

     I was married for 20 years. After I moved out things were okay, he was being nice and helpful, until I wouldn't spend a night with him and he realized that I really wasn't coming back. Then he was mean, he wouldn't help with the kids. He was mad because he didn't get his way. I was no longer listening to him. I was never the type of wife to wait on him hand and foot, that's not me, he was not a baby, he knew how to do things on his own. Did I make his meals, fill his plates? Sure. but I didn't walk away from my meal to get him more. Did I take care of the house and kids and make sure our utilities stayed on? Sure. Did I work outside the house in addition to everything I did at the house? Yes, I did.I shoveled the snow in the winter because he had a bad back and I didn't want him doing that much extra with all he was already doing for our family. 

     I did a lot for my family, like most moms, I put my kids first, I provided for them and did for them, the same as I did my husband. After a few years of marriage, when the first one arrived, he changed, started going out dirt bike riding and hunting because he needed to relax. I was a stay at home mom then so I poured myself into raising my daughter. I tried for years to make our family what we discussed before we had our first daughter. He didn't seem interested. The second arrived almost five years later, he was more interested but still not really involved like I had hoped that he would become. When both kids were old enough we started watching the Harry Potter movies at the theater, it was our special treat, a family thing we did, he went with us for the first couple and after that he said he didn't want to go. The girls were hurt, we started watching them as a family and he was choosing to walk away. The girls and I finished the series without him. We did a lot of things without him.
     
     The divorce came to late, I always wish that I had left sooner, it will always be a regret of mine. Because I believed him when he said he wanted to make our marriage work, that he wanted to be a family, he would play the part for a little while and then stop. At some point I stopped believing him and began to withdrawal. My "attempts" at having a happy family were over and after some time and a lot of reflection I was okay with it. Moving out was the best thing I had done and it happened at time when I was stressed, depressed, frustrated and angry. The stress of being a full time single parent made me withdrawal more into myself. I took nearly everything that reminded me of him out of the house. All but two photos that he was in were gone, I got rid of Christmas stuff, things he gave me, most of them anyway, some I've had trouble parting with but others I was glad to get rid of. 
     
     The last couple of days have been very revealing for me, about my ex-husband. He married shortly after the divorce was final, within six months or so, I think. I didn't really care, I had moved on. His wife though, she would come with him to pick up my daughter, some times she would come alone to pick up my daughter. Every single time she gave me dirty looks, she never said Hi or Hello, she never asked how I'm doing, she just sat in the car glaring at me. I honestly felt bad for her because she didn't know the truth, she didn't know what I had been through, she listened to his lies. 

    The last couple of days I found out that they are getting divorced. He was cheating on her. I suspected that he was cheating on me but I didn't have proof, other than he kept accusing me of cheating on him and then I told him that I thought he was cheating and he didn't deny it. That's all I needed to know. I was officially done with him and trying was over. In 2010 I began making my plans to leave and after a couple months the girls and I moved out, on April Fool's Day. 
     I've been messaging with his soon to be ex, he lied to her like he lied to me, he was cheating on her, talking to "women" on-line but I'm pretty sure that they were men from other countries, based on how they spoke in text. He was smoking pot and lying to her about it, just like he did with me. He put his wants before the necessities of the house. He used her for the money she had, she paid off his debts to his brother, she lost her tax refund to his child support because he didn't tell her he was behind. He used her for vacations, got a house out of her and a new truck. When my youngest turned 18 and he was not longer required to keep medical insurance on the kids, he dropped them from the medical insurance, medical insurance that she paid for through her job. He told her a few months ago that he fell out of love with her a couple years ago, about the time his parental responsibilities ended. He didn't need her any more then, she had covered his financial stuff so he was good. She realized that she had been used. 
    She found out about everything in July of this year, the day after, she went to an attorney. Her family is supporting her in divorcing him. She removed herself from his auto loan and the second house they bought together but I suspect it was more her. I think she should have sold it or forced him to buy her out of her half, she made her decision and she's now done with him. She will have no responsibility for where he lives. She feels that soon enough he will be homeless and jobless and then he'll probably end up back at his brothers house, in debt again, going through forecloser, again. 
    Vindication for me, at least with some people. I spent years being told I was crazy, that I made things up, that I lied, that I didn't try, that I took his kids away from him. I spent years fighting myself, I spent years telling myself that I really did try everything I could think of to make the marriage work and it wasn't all my fault. I spent years feeling alone and hurt and had a whole group of people who despite seeing what I went through in the marriage still abandoned me and my daughters when I walked out. They believed everything he said and I was the bad person that was finally gone and no longer existed. I think that losing that family hurt me more than walking away from him, which is sad but it's the truth. His wife now knows the truth and has expressed to me that some of what he has told her, she now believes were lies because he made the same accusations towards her. She now sees him for who and what he truly is; a liar, a manipulator, a user, a cheater, and substance abuser. I'm sure I'm forgetting but that list is long enough. 

     I looked through the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Looking at the criteria, he falls under Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). He is on meds but about to lose his insurance because it's through HER work. He's threatened her, she's changed the locks on the house and has multiple police that live in her area, they are keeping an eye on her and her home, in case he decides to come over without her knowing.
      
     For anyone who has gone through even part of what I have, who has felt that they were not believed, was turned on by others who believed the lies. Their time will come. Karma will come back around, you will get your own vindication. You just need to be patient enough to wait it out and let those people keep digging their holes, eventually they won't be able to get out. 

Set Backs

Set backs happen whether we like them or not, they are, annoying, frustrating and also unavoidable. 

The past nine weeks have been difficult for me. I had instructor in school who was pretty tough, I can handle that, but what I can't handle is being failed in a class when the instructor consistently changed how she graded, didn't offer advice and came off as petty and annoyed when questions were asked. Her notes in the assignments were good, helpful but outside of assignments, the feedback was not good. Upon failing me she posts a note that says "Best Regards". She knew that she failed me, she knew that I needed to be at 80% or higher to pass the class and keep moving forward with the program. 

I am now stuck in a limbo, waiting. I've contacted my academic adviser, the committee that deals with student issues has already contacted the instructor to see if the grades are final or if she is willing to look at them again, she said they are final. Now I'm waiting for the grade dispute, it should have begun yesterday. A couple of days ago I sent nine attachments with a summary for each attachment to my adviser, these will be used for the grade dispute. 

During the class there were multiple group assignments. I was the team lead on at least three of them. The school has programs for checking grammar and for plagiarism. I used them both for the assignments, made the corrections and then put the corrected info back into the assignment. When the assignment came back, after grading, all the corrections I made were not actually corrected. This happened two weeks in a row until I realized that the problem was with the program. I contacted the instructor and posted about the problem in the group. The instructor refused to reconsider the grade, she didn't ask about seeing the report from fixing the errors. Another issue was that she changed the requirements of an assignment but didn't say anything. My group followed the assignment instructions and then were told that part of it didn't count, the part she excluded and docked points for, she said we didn't have enough content. I finished this class with 78.4%, it's a program requirement that the grades stay at 80% or higher to remain in the program.

Next steps. I am hoping to hear back Monday about the grade dispute. I am hoping that the information I sent to my adviser will get the points I need back so that I will have passed the classed. If I do not get these two points back after the grade dispute then I will have to take this class over again, along with doing a couple other things, the new class won't start until November 27th. This break in the class flow is going to set me back a couple months. I'm supposed to be finishing my degree in December 2020, this delay will put finishing to the beginning of 2021. 

At this point all I can do is wait. I'm trying to keep myself busy outside of work, which isn't easy, I  mainly spend time watching movies and Netflix. Once I'm back in class I can refocus my time again. 

Masters of Scence in Counseling/Clinical Mental Health Counseling - Intermediate

                 Intermediate
     I started this portion of my program on April 24, 2018, having passed each of the Basic Counseling class with an A-. I can't fall below 80% (B-), if that happens I can be kicked out of the program.
     This new level started with Research methods, and they are not joking about the research part! So far I have worked on assignments that have articles that are assigned and I've also had to find my own topics to research and fill out forms and write papers about. The hardest part so far, finding topics that are interesting and contain the information I need to complete the assignment.
     I still have to work in groups, this time however, I'm working with two people I met during residency, Terrica and Tameka. Both have their stories, like me, both are strong women and they have been great to work with on our group assignments. We have a basic set up for when we need to have our portions posted to the group thread and it's working out pretty well so far. We've had plenty of time to complete our portions, get everything put together and submitted a day before it's due. This group is now in my top two, yup, only two have been good so far, in almost four years of working with groups.
     Time to get some stuff done on at least one of my assignments, they are all due on Monday and I still need to work on participation posts as well. More assignments with these classes, I need a better system to get everything done in a timely manner without feeling overwhelmed.
     Wish me luck :)
   

Arizona Trip Day Ten

     We spent the morning just hanging out. Carmen has been sick for the majority of the trip, bad cough, trouble breathing and sleeping. She has been in an almost full sit up position every night since we got to Phoenix.

     We did manage to get out for a bit though. We went to the Heard Museum, if you have not been, you should go. It's  all about the Native American Indian Tribes. It's a beautiful museum, I'm glad that we had the chance to see it. They offer tours through part of the museum, or you can wander on your own. We did both. It's eye opening. There is also a small room that plays a video on a loop about how pottery is made and how it's a dying art, newer generations are not learning about how to do it to keep it going.
   
     If you are in Phoenix, I highly recommend that you take a trip to this museum. Beautiful and sad stories and beautiful art work and traditions. 

Another Ending, Another Beginning

     Jenyfer has finally finished her second year of college. She spent the last couple of days getting her room packed up. Yesterday we got a car load of stuff moved to the storage unit and then the rest of her stuff packed into the car.
     The drive to and from Greenville, PA is only six hours but it sure feels a lot longer. The drive to Topeka, KS felt shorter! I think it's because I make the drive more often, to Greenville.
     Now, she waits for her final grades to be posted.  Every year I hope that the new year will be better than the last. For Jenyfer and school, I think she did a lot better this school year, she has been happy with the grades that have been posted so far, anxious for the last of them.
     Jenyfer will begin looking for a summer job, fingers crossed that she finds one fast, she has things to take care of this summer. She does have a line on one so far. Her best friend is getting married in August, she'll have to prepare to go back to school in August as well. She is also planning to change her last name, to mine, and then there is her drivers training and license stuff as well. It's going to be a big summer for her, especially if we can get everything done this year.
     Wish us luck, we might need that extra push.
   

Arizona Trip Day Seven through Nine

Friday; Day Seven
     The day started earlier than I would have liked. Class went from
8a-4p but I had to be on the shuttle by 7a or 7:30a, I chose to do the 7a shuttle so I would have time for breakfast and setting up my computer and what not. We spent the day doing role-play, talking, listening to stories from the instructor and classmates. The school provided breakfast, lunch and two snacks. Everything was catered and really good.

Saturday; Day 8
     Today was pretty much like Friday. We did more role-play with each other. We took turns being the counselor and the client. Everyone shared things from their own life that they have concerns about. The instructor also did a couple role-play situations about Ethics. The first one he played "the client" and had us all laughing, he was making passes at "the counselor". He explained how she should have handled it and told us that if a client is behaving inappropriately, we are within our rights to end the session. I did my PowerPoint presentation today, I got good feedback from the class and the instructor. I've been nervous about doing the role-play and presentation because it puts me in the spotlight to much and that make me uncomfortable, I made it through though with encouraging words from everyone. I need to stop doubting myself. I see the grades I have been getting since 2012 and I still doubt my abilities to do well in school. I need to STOP IT! (Bob Newhart reference) We also watched a presentation by another instructor. He explained what he has been doing, his presentation is something he is still working on in preparation to present at a conference, we were the guinea pigs lol

Sunday; Day 9
     The final day of class. Role-play again, with feedback from the whole class but then we did a role-play where the instructor was the only one giving feedback, this part was our final. After everyone was done we spent some time watching a presentation from a new instructor about counseling and the law, when we would be expected to go to court, and what to expect and do if we do have to go to court and ways that clients could trick us into going to court. It was very informational.

     I am very glad that I had this opportunity, to attend the residency. It has helped me a lot. My instructor wants to see a counselor, to help me work through the resentment towards my family. I know I need to do it, I'll have to start looking into it when I get home. If I start seeing a counselor of my own then it will give me a chance to get better before I start seeing my own clients. I need to do this. I will find a way to make it happen.
   

Arizona Trip Day Six

     Today was my first day of class, in a real classroom. I was very nervous, we had to do role play with the instructor and then with another student. It was pretty emotional for everyone. We all did great though. Everyone asked questions and shared things about themselves. I knew it was going to emotional for me, it just happened quicker than I expected.
     The school had breakfast, snacks and lunch for us, available through out the day. I was pretty full after all that food. All in all it was a good day.
     Two more days and then three days of downtime for fun around Phoenix. Not sure what we'll do during that downtime but I'm sure we'll stay busy all day.

Arizona Trip Day Four and Five

Day four. Wednesday,
     We arrived in Phoenix, at the Drury Inn at 5 pm on Wednesday, day four. The hotel is beautiful and big. We hung out in the room after checking inn, got a few free drinks and had some dinner. It was a long day on the road so downtime was needed.

Day five. Thursday,
     Our first full day in Phoenix. I laid in bed all day, except for getting breakfast and then dinner and drinks later. I needed some more downtime. In the evening I had a meet and greet with everyone that was here for Residency. I finally met some of the people that I've only talked too online or on the phone. It was nice to put faces to some of them.

     Thankfully the bed is comfortable, the room is spacious enough so we aren't on top of each other when trying to move around. I actually unpacked my suitcase, since we are here for a week.

Arizona Trip Day Four

Today we went to the Rio Grande Zoo and the Albuquerque Aquarium and Gardens. They were both really nice. There was a ton of walking involved in the tripe today, I am exhausted. I think two pain pills are required for tonight.

We did a bit of grocery shopping today too, restock the cooler. I'm impressed by this thing, we dumped 22 pounds of ice in it on Saturday morning (April 7) and there is still plenty of ice in it. We've been draining the water each day. We'll refill it a bit tomorrow, before we leave the motel in the morning.

Carmen is in awe of the mountains. We've got a great view behind our motel. This motel is also close to downtown and shopping on Juan Tabo. I forgot how beautiful it is here. I look forward to coming back next year.

Today I realized how much I actually missed when I lived here before. My now ex took me to Santa Fe once, for a day and that was it. I had not spent much time in the city or doing anything. We went to a mall a couple times but that was pretty much it. Maybe if he had been willing to take me out, we would have stayed longer. I don't know if I'd want to live here again but I wouldn't mind visiting again. It's been 24 years since I left. I look forward to coming back.

It's been a long day, I'm going to take a shower, clean off my bed and get some sleep. We are heading to Phoenix at 11am.

Arizona Trip Thoughts

The main reason for this trip is to complete the first level of my Masters program for counseling. I knew this program was going to be difficult for me and it has been. I'm all for helping others but I also need to learn to help myself too, that is hard for me because I don't want to focus on my own problems, it's not fun and life has sucked royally for me for over a year. I'd rather pretend that things are great. I can't do that though, I need to deal with my feelings about everything, deal with them, let them go and continue to move on with my life so I can create the life that I have always wanted to live. 

I've had this trip sort of planned out since August of last year. I knew then that I would have to make this trip, the big questions were "Who will go with me", " Do I want to go alone", "Should I drive or take a train". 

The drawbacks of driving; you have to deal with other drivers (thankfully traffic has been fairly lite, so far). You have to plan out the driving a bit in order to make noticeable progress. Knowing the number of hours the drive should take and how many hours you can drive in a day is important. There is extra cost with hotels and gas/food stops. 

The benefits of driving; You can stop when you want, pack food from home to eat less fast food (been working good far), you can see more of the country. (I didn't know Dodge City, Kansas existed until yesterday). You don't have to worry about dealing with others in an enclosed space. 

I thought about making this trip alone, driving or on a train. A train would have been interesting but probably boring, though I would be able to use my computer, thanks to my hotspot and headphones. 

The cost is more than I'd like for this trip but it's worth it. The weeks leading up to leaving I was sick and stuck in bed for two days. Day three I went back to work but was in a lot of pain and still had a pretty bad cough, then sciatic nerve decided to flare up. I used my acupressure brace for a week, which helped me walk like normal. Then the snow hit, while brushing off my car I pinched a nerve and that sent burning fire pain down my leg, I suffered through two hours of work before contacting a chiropractor. After X-rays and consultation I ended up going back  for an adjustment, twice, just before I was set to spend five days on the road, traveling across the country. Thankfully the adjustments helped but I have more work to do to fix my back and correct what has been done over the years. I am feeling a lot better already though and driving has not been to bad at all. 

One thing I have been hoping to accomplish from this trip was to be able to relax. So far I've had two days of relaxing. I have not felt stressed or worried at all and that is such a great feeling. I've been taking selfies and allowing myself to be included in pictures, something I normally don't do. My cousin is with me, she is making sure that I laugh and take pictures. I'm going to print up some pictures and put in my journal, alone with notes from each day gone, I'll be pulling that info from these posts because pretty soon the days will start to blend together.


I'm being mindful of my bank account and fuel level (filling up at 1/2 tank) , watching the oil levels in the car and taking things slowly. Right now, my biggest thing dealing with a travel partner that snores and whether or not the fan will block it out, but she's not as loud as some people I know so it's all good. She says I snore too but it's not loud, guess that means that my kids lied to me.

It's now 8:39 am, time to get some breakfast and get something done with school work, at least half of my assignment needs to be done sooner than later. We'll be getting the car loaded up around 10:30 or  so and topping off the oil in the car before heading out. 

Arizona Trip: Day Two

We checked out of the Super 8 in Topeka, Kansas at 10:30 am. Had to go to Walmart to buy a new window holder for my phone, the old one kept falling down, very inconvenient.

We drove on back road highways for what seemed like forever. We stopped in Dodge City for a bit. We took a lot of pictures, it was pretty interesting there.

A lot more time driving on Highway 56, passing through small towns with a lot of houses but we didn't see people, except those who were also driving. We searched for motels that were close to us, Google wasn't very helpful, it kept pulling up information that we weren't looking for. We finally decided to check again, Super 8 in Liberal, Kansas, it was half an hour from where we were at, at that time.

More views of nothing...open fields, oasis' dotted the landscape on both sides of us. As we got closer to Liberal we saw more traffic.

Today was another uneventful day, which is a good thing. Traffic was fairly lite, again and we arrived in Liberal before dark.

Tomorrow we head to Albuquerque for a couple of nights then on to Phoenix for a week. So far, it's been a nice trip, it feels like we've been gone longer than two days.

Arizona Trip: Day One

*I will do this at the end of each day for the rest of the trip, I was too tired last night. 

We left Michigan about 10:15 am on April 7, 2018, after doing a bit more shopping and topping off the gas tank. 

We got further than I expected too on day one. We made it through Michigan, a bit of Indiana, down Illinois, through Missouri and in to Kansas. I booked a room in Lawrence, Kansas but it ended up being for the wrong night, they wanted over $100 for one night, at a Motel 6. Nope, not gonna pay that much. We had to backtrack to Topeka and ended up at a Super 8. 

I got a descent nights sleep after taking a shower. Did a bit of school work as well. 

It was a long day of driving but it was a good day. The traffic was minimal for the majority of the drive, which I am very grateful for. Once we reached certain area, at night, the traffic was heavier, that part was not so great. 

All in all, day one was a good day. I drove from 10:15 am - nearly Midnight Michigan time. Kansas is one hour behind Michigan time. By the time we reach our destination we will be three hours behind Michigan and hopefully in much warmer weather. 

Making Plans

     I'm making plans for my trip to Phoenix, in April. It's going to be a long trip just getting there, at least three days. Then I will have about eight days in Phoenix, four will be for school and the rest will be for visiting family and checking out Phoenix. It's been a long time since I've been to Arizona, I'm really looking forward to my time away.
     As of right now I have someone going with me, I'm hoping that doesn't change, having someone else with me will make the trip easier, not so boring and hopefully it will feel faster. 
     I'm working on mapping out the route I want to take. Right now I'm thinking of heading into Lawrence, Kansas, even if it's just for one night. Some of you might recognize Lawrence, Kansas, the home of the Winchester family...The town apparently was chosen as the home town because of it's history of "urban legends and strange occurrences" (according to hypable.com). Either way, it could be an interesting place to check out. 
     I am also hoping to spend a bit of time in New Mexico, on my way to Arizona, I will have to see what time allows me to do. 
     Having missed vacation in 2016 and 2017, this is a much needed trip for me. I've been wanting to get back out there for a road trip since my last one in 2015.      This trip will be my longest so far. 2019 might have me at three weeks on the road, I'd like to add Oregon to my plans, but that is a whole other post.
     It's late for me, I need sleep so I can finish my work week tomorrow. 

Good night 

Time Closing In

     I feel like time is closing in on me and there won't be enough of it to do what I want to do. There is so much to do right now and I have little energy to do it. Some days my brain says stop and lay down to sleep. 
     Working 40+ a week, school, on-line training for a new part time job (it's a good job!), getting out of debt, trying to plan my trip that has to happen in two months without having any money for it yet and figuring out where I will end up by the end of the year...it's all stressing me out, way more than I would like. 
      My life has been condensed to one small room, a pile of totes in a small shed and one part of a basement. I'm beyond ready to run away and needing my own space to stretch out. That is number one on my list of goals for this year, getting back to my own space again.  
     This is how things have ended up, for now, I will keep doing what I have always done, find a way to keep pushing through everything until I reach my goal. Keep pushing through school to maintain my GPA, schedule what needs to be done for the new job (CPR/First Aid & TB Test) and finish my online training. Get the money situation handled for my trip and consolidate my debt and get it out of the way. Once I get a handle on that stuff I will finally be able to focus on expanding my personal space. 
     I know where I'd like to end up, for now, but I'm also trying to keep my options open for more changes in the future. What I'm doing now for work and school, will have a huge impact on my future and where I end up by the time I finish my degree. That is what I'm looking forward to the most when looking at long term goals. I can't wait to see where all this work, time shut in my room and countless hours on the computer are going to land me. 
     Everything can look bleak and be very stressful, but there will always be something to focus on, finding what is important, keeping it close to you and pushing through the stress. I give up once in awhile, but not usually for very long. I take a step back and leave the computer alone and just lay down (like last night) and then I get back up and continue on (like this morning).
     Time for today to begin. 

New Year, New Goals, New Life

2018 has finally arrived...what would I like to see happen this year? 

I would like financial stability for myself and my children, after the last 14 months, it's beyond needed and deserved. Stability meaning all debt paid off and savings account built up. 

I would LOVE to be able to buy a house this year, it's not first on my list though, there is much work to be done before I can seriously think about this buying at any point this year. 

Vacation! I missed my vacation in 2016 and 2017, I really need one in 2018. If things go the way they are supposed too then I will work a road trip in after my first residency in April. My plan is to work my way up the West Coast and see a lot of new things before heading home. I just need to find someone to go with me, I don't want to drive across the country alone, I could, I just don't want too. 

I will be meeting my second grand baby in late summer, that will be exciting, there is much to do to help my daughter get ready, she is nervous but I know they can do this and do it well. She is a good mom already, I know she will continue to be a good mom to the new baby as well. 

Fingers crossed that my time working with the temp agency leads to full time employment. I'm glad to be away from the job that was taking its toll on me physically, I'd like to avoid shoulder surgery so getting away from that job now is necessary and seems to be working, I've had very few issues over the last couple of months. 

What would you like to see happen in your life in 2018? 

Feel free to comment on this or any other post.