Next Steps

 Tomorrow I have my med review. I feel like it's been going okay since I've started. I can't say that I feel a lot different than before, other than noticing some triggers that make headaches worse. The last couple of weeks I noticed that my right hand had joint pain when I tried to grab things. That has now begun in my right shoulder and also my right hip. I've had issues with my shoulder for years though so I thought at first it was because of that but this is a lot more pronounced pain than what I've had before. 

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, not sure what will happen but I'd like the joint pains to stop. It's hard to drive, get dressed, shower etc when you have pain with your dominant side. 

Three Weeks Later

 I'm over a month into being on these meds and finally the headaches have stopped. I am more aware of triggers because the headaches are worse with the meds. 

I have not missed a day with the meds and hopefully do not, though my doctor said that if I miss a day, it's okay. I have my morning routine set with them and it's working well. 

My mood is better, I think. Some days I don't feel different but overall I've had a bit more energy and I'm falling asleep a bit easier. I'm not sure I'm sleeping better but that's due to other factors from before I started the meds. 

I had a schedule change with work, every Friday and Saturday off now. This has been a bit of an adjustment but I think it's going to be okay, just getting used to it. 

Today my cousin is coming over to work on Genealogy research. A lot has come up in the last few weeks. Not only have a found a link between my family name and Kyra Sedgwick, BUT, I also found that there is a link between my family and Laura Ingalls Wilder.     

        

This is very exciting news! I knew that there were Ingels in my tree, but I did not think that it would lead to this. I loved watching Little House on the Prairie but I never read the books and I have not seen the movies. Since finding this information I have purchased the movies and if I don't get the series or books for Christmas (they are on my Amazon wish list) then I will buy them for myself. My younger sister started watching the show again and her daughter also watches and likes the show. It's so interesting to know that my family lines has this type of history to it. I know there is more than what was in the show, which I hope to learn through the books and information online as well. 

I've got to get ready for my visit, just a bit more to clean and food to prep. 

The Journey Continues

Week 2 on this med has ended today. The dose was increased from 10mg to 20mg last Saturday. I've had a few days where I felt off and more tired, but today has been an okay day. 

I'm trying to create some new routines in my daily life, like most things it's a process. I've been trying to clean up one area of the apartment when I wake up in the morning, usually the kitchen. It's been hit or miss this week. 

Another step in my journey is that my new job, which I started mid-September, will be changing as of tomorrow. Tomorrow I will officially be an Assistant Supervisor, and while learning more about that position I will be learning about Supervisor tasks as well. My Supervisor thinks they will want to make me a Supervisor within a few months, if I feel I am ready for that when the time comes. 

The Next Step in My Med Journey

Today I started on 20mg of the Fluoxetine. I'm not sure that I feel a difference from the 10 mg but I guess another week or so will probably show something. I don't know though because this is the first time I've been on a medication like this. This past week I have dealt with some headaches. I know that is a side effect of this medication but I was hoping that it would pass me by. I did discover that if an outside trigger hits, then the headache lasts longer, which has to be because of the medication, it kept me out of work one day. I had trouble focusing and concentrating. Normally being outside and getting fresh air helps but it did not work. One trigger was the smell of bleach at work, I was smelling it hours after leaving work. The second trigger this past week was from my visit to the ENT, they did a pressure test and the noise hurt, plus I had two people looking in my ears and tugging on them a bit, that did me in for the rest of the day. 

I've established a routine with everything I take, which includes a daily nasal spray for my seasonal allergies, which I deal with all year because this state weather changes daily.  I also have a list of vitamins that I take. 

The vitamins I take cover my immune system, my heart health, memory and joint issues. I think that the vitamins helped with me not getting COVID until earlier this year. I work in health care and avoided COVID for a very long time. I got the first two shots, in the beginning, and stayed home when not working and limited my time while out. I have three factors that could have made me getting COVID really bad, I am over 50, overweight and I have Asthma. I have spent a lot of time alone over the last few years, when not working. Very glad that when I did get COVID my symptoms were flu like and did not last long. I had a higher than normal temperature for a day or two and then lost my taste and smell for about four days. 

I was hoping that setting a routine with the medication and what not, plus my bedtime, that I'd start sleeping better, so far that has not happened. Maybe in time it will get better?

New Journey For Me

Today I started on Fluoxetine (Prozac) 10mg a day for one week and then it will be 20mg a day. I may ask to keep it at the 10 mg though, if I'm feeling okay or if the 20 mg feels like it's to much then I'll ask about going back down to the 10mg. I do not know how this is going to make me feel but I told my doctor that I would give it a try. She and my first counselor were trying to get me to try meds a couple years ago but I declined, they did not push it hard but if they saw I was not doing as well they would ask again. So far today I've had a funny feeling in my head, but that's it and didn't last long. A couple side effects is being tired but I'm already tired all the time so I'll just have to push through like I normally do. Another side effect was described as a freight train, going and going, I hope that does not happen because that sounds like me on caffeine and that's never good...I'd be moving all day but NEVER get anything done. 

The last month or so I've been feeling more up and down with the depression, not fully taking care of myself and my apartment, I'm still not sleeping well but I think that has other factors beyond the depression and I've had bouts of anxiety where every little thing is making me jump, my hands shake constantly and I spend more time inside, alone. 

I think that some of the depression and lack of self care comes from my friend that I was walking with and going to movies with, just stopped talking to me. There were a few text responses saying they'd get back to me about hanging out and then they didn't. The last text I sent was unanswered, I decided that was it, I was done trying. Even if they get ahold of me I'm not sure that I will want to see them because they just stopped and I don't want to deal that rejection again. Why is having friends, as an adult, harder than when I was younger? I miss having someone to hang out with and walk with. Today is a great day to walk but since I like to walk in the woods and take pictures, for safety reasons I do not walk alone. I miss my friend. I don't have friends close that I can do things with. I am not a bar/club person so I'm not meeting people that way and I only work with a few people, none that I'd hang out with outside of work. 

I'm really trying to push myself today, I don't want to give in to the sleep because I won't be able to do that when I go back to work on Monday. I don't know how much cleaning I'll get done today but I'm hoping enough to make it look better in here.

Why?

 I have never claimed to be a perfect person or parent. I know there are things that I missed or didn't act quick enough on to correct/fix/change. 

What I did do though was to raise my kids on my own, while I was married and then when I finally decided to leave my marriage, with my kids. I struggled in the marriage and outside of the marriage; financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I did what I could for my kids in all ways that I could. Again, I was nowhere near perfect but I did the best I could with what I had to work with, within myself and outside of myself. 

I did what I could do to allow my kids to be kids. I wanted my kids to be kids for as long as they could. My oldest did have to babysit at times because I worked nights a lot and their dad was not always available to them because he did not want to be. 

One thing I know for sure is that for all the time, effort, money, love, patience, everything, that I put into my kids was 100% my choice and I would never change that but as time goes on I realize that it didn't really matter because no matter what, I will always be the bad guy to at least my youngest. 

It was brought to my attention that my youngest does not view me as a person. I am just a mother, I apparently behave differently when around other people, when compared to my kids. My kids have never really seen me in social interactions with people outside of family. My spending time with a former work friend, a male, a friend only, is weird for my kids, at least my youngest. I knew it was going to be weird for them, no matter what, and I knew that they would have questions and comments mainly due to my friend being a lot younger.

I have repeatedly told my kids that this is strictly a friendship, it's a friendship that I am glad to have because we talk, we walk, we laugh; serious stuff, funny stuff, whatever comes to mind. We generally don't have a specific destination when walking other than following whatever trail we are on. Sometimes our walks are silent for a bit, never awkward, never weird, never uncomfortable. I feel safe and comfortable around him, I am happy to be around him, I like being around him and I appreciate him being around and I love having a friend, period. If I am upset he will comfort me, if I trip he will help me and let me hold his hand or arm and I do the same for him. 

When I posted a picture from one of our walks I had one of him that I captioned Best Man Ever, to me, that is what he is. That set off a chain reaction with my kids. My youngest was so angry because she did not know anything about him and at that time I was not ready to share that friendship because I did not want or need her to make it into something it wasn't.

My youngest finally met him in person the other day and throughout our time walking through downtown she made a few snide comments about age, which also happened before she met him. She shared things about herself, which surprised me but then later told her sister that I told him those things and I had crossed a boundary. She also told her sister that she felt like a third wheel. She pretty much invited herself into our walk downtown, he said he was fine if she went so I told her that. She said that he better not have a problem with her being around her mom...she only went because of him, because she wanted to know what he looked like and to be nosey. She did not want to walk around downtown with me to spend time with me. She does not really like me and that becomes more clear as time goes. 

It does not matter what I have done for her throughout her entire life. She is mad that her life is not going like she wants it to and says that it's my fault because she did not ask to be born, but think about it, none of us asked to be born. Everyone here is here because someone else made a choice. I didn't ask to be born into the family I was, I didn't ask to have a broken family, twice over. I didn't ask to struggle like I have. Despite all of that, what I did not do was blame someone else for my problems and tell them I didn't ask to be born and all my problems were their fault because they chose to have me. I take responsibility for my actions, I take responsibility for how my life was/is/goes. I have spent a lot of time working on myself, trying to better myself and finally get the life that I did not have when I was younger/married/had kids. 

I was not the parent that ran around and had men in and out of my house. The majority of my time socializing with others was with my kids and family, not really anyone outside of family members, other than work and I kept work and family separate, most of the time. 

I can understand that my youngest is having a hard time with me being around people she does not know but to be treated like I am doing something wrong and having snide comments made, that's not necessary. She lied to her sister, saying that I said things that I did not say, her sister called her on the lies and so of course she is no mad at her sister. However, after trashing me to her sister, I got a message about needing help with her phone bill for this month. Since she started paying for her phone, which has been on my plan since she got her first phone by high school, she has done great with paying early or on time for nearly two years, until now. Because it's my phone service I have to pay her portion anyway and she'll just pay me back when she starts her new job, which will hopefully be soon. 

In reflection I see that her behavior has only increased when it comes to trash talking me to others, talking bad about me to her sister and treating me like I am not a real person with feelings and that deserves a life. 

I spent a lot of time being a wife and mother and finally reached a point where I have a friend that I actually see in person and she is upset about it, for whatever reason. She said she felt like a third wheel while out with me and my friend, but yet also said that the next time we go walking downtown, she wants to go too. Why? She doesn't really like me, she doesn't have any respect for me or what I've sacrificed for her, her entire life. What I sacrificed to send her to college, trips she took while at college, the trips back and forth through multiple states to get her there and back multiple times a year, and the extra cost for storing things we didn't have room to bring back. 

99% of my interactions with her are a lie because she always has an ulterior motive. She visits me so she can do her laundry and get a meal she doesn't have to cook or pay for. But to keep using me for things then trash talking me to whoever will listen, I think I've reached my limit. As soon as her job is set and she's gotten through her first paycheck she will be removed from my phone plan. If she wants to continue to complain about how much her life sucks and it's my fault then I feel like I will need to distance myself a bit. 

I hate that I even have had to think about this, either way though, doing nothing or limiting interaction she will make it out to be my fault so I should at least make sure that she can't use me like she has been doing. 

I have always done what I could for my kids without much help from their dad, even when he was living in the same house. I didn't drink or do drugs, I was not sleeping around and setting bad examples for my kids. She takes after her dad in so many ways and it's the one thing that makes me so sad because no matter what, everything has to be about her and when it's not she is more than happy to twist things around to make herself look like the victim. 

I have encouraged her to seek therapy and work through her problems but for years she has refused too or says that it won't work, but she has not tried. I am at a loss for what to do next. I hope that she realizes that she needs help and gets help, she has put a huge rift in our little family and it's breaking my heart. 

New Path

August 16 I texted a former co-worker about the possibility of job where he went too. August 17 I visited him at his job, he showed me around. August 18 I applied for a job and he let me know that he gave my name to some higher ups. August 21 I spoke with someone from this new place, that went well and we set up a day/time for a video interview. August 22 I did the interview and it went really well. They said "WELCOME". I messaged my former co-worker and he said they loved me and gave 100% positive feedback. I had some help with getting started and with where I will be working but ultimately if I did not interview well, I would either be looking elsewhere or staying where I currently am. 

I made a few phone calls and talked to a couple people to let them know how the interview went, texting one person to call me, he did and while we were talking he began filling out an application to the same place. We have both discussed how things have been at work lately and I told him about this place. Our field is demanding, exhausting, mentally and emotionally stressful, rewarding and more but the stress has gotten worse. The behaviors have gotten worse, to the point of physical harm. Neither of us want to continue with that. I also messaged another former co-worker, he was also considering switching jobs. 

This new job has fewer people to deal with on a daily basis, it's a calmer facility, I'll work full time days, which will take some getting used too. Maybe having "normal" hours will help with sleeping better? I'll be out in the mornings, which is not good in the winter but I'll deal with it. This job will allow for advancement with less to deal with at first versus the current job. 

The new job is the first time on my new path. August 23 I signed my 4th lease with my apartment complex. During this meeting I confirmed that the owners are working on another apartment complex and will begin taking applications around February 2024 and the building is supposed to be done in July 2024. I think my next step will be moving to a new area. I don't mind where I am now but I also would prefer to be out of the city. The area the new building is going would put me about the same distance I drive now but I'd avoid the highways completely and I'd be closer to some shopping, walking distance. 

I'm ready for the changes. It's time I moved on from where I am now and into something better and hopefully a bit bigger. This new job could also lead to me being able to get back into school and finally finish my masters program, I may have to redo some classes but I'll figure that out when the time comes and the new job also comes with some tuition reimbursement as well. 

New friend to hang out with for movies, walks and other adventures. New job, new apartment coming up. All good changes for the new path. Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds. 

Why do I keep trying and when will I stop?

I am not new to people making plans with me and then either backing out last minute or simply not showing up. It has happened so often that I am honestly surprised when someone actually keeps their plans. Often times I fight myself to not break plans before someone else does, because if I break the plans then I won't be hurt once again and my trust won't be broken, once again. 

In conversations with people about friendship and trust, I always think and at times end up saying "I don't trust anyone". When asked "Why?" I answer because I have spent a lot of years being given reasons to not trust people, followed by examples. 

At work I trust, for the most part, because that involves a small group of people who all have the same goals for eight hours. 

Outside of work, in my personal life, I have very little trust in pretty much everyone because I've been let down to many times. 

Why do I decide to keep trying, when it ends up bad?

     I keep telling myself "It'll be different this time"

Why do people do this? 

    Very good question and I will probably never get an answer

Why do people not respond to messages to set up or confirm plans? 

    I suspect they don't want to hurt my feelings by canceling. However, not responding is a VERY LOUD RESPONSE and hurts A LOT more than just canceling

Why is it so hard to say "I've changed my mind" or "I don't want to go"

    Another good question and I will probably never get an answer

Why does this happen to me, all the time?

    Good question. I am not sure

Why do I keep trying? 

    Because I am stupid in thinking that people will change

When will I stop?

    I'm thinking now is a good time. 

I constantly worry when I do make plans, that they will cancel at the last minute. I've worked hard to message every so often but not so much that I seem needy. If I get no response after a couple messages, then I am done trying, I won't keep trying after that, it gives me time to come to terms with being canceled on again, through ghosting.

Because I end up doing so much on my own anyway, it's probably best to just keep it that way. People have proven time and time again that they will not follow through for whatever reason. My upcoming plans will happen with just me and as much as I don't like it, it's just how it is. It's one more person to not trust and I won't ask again. 

My COVID Mis-Adventure

On a normal day I deal with seasonal allergies; stuffy nose, drainage, coughing, sniffling etc., that's with daily nasal spray and nightly Benadryl to help me sleep and assist with the allergies. I now wonder if I have had COVID before. The weather in my state has been back and forth. A few weeks ago we had three days of beautiful warm weather...mid to high 70s and mid 80s, then after three days the temps dropped down to mid 30s with highs in the low 50s. When this happens I tend to have more issues with my allergies. I usually feel okay, other than a plugged nose and additional trouble sleeping. Depending on my day I can get headaches from certain smells or from stress, pain that sits behind my eyes or the back of my head. Sometimes, if I can get my neck to crack it releases some of the pressure I feel and the pain lessens or goes away. 

Day 1 - On April 25 I tested positive for COVID. I did two tests at home, notified my supervisor between tests. I was given a number to call and then went into work to get a test that my work would accept, plus going in to get tested meant it was free. After waiting for what seemed like hours I was tested, signed a couple papers and then got my results. I notified my supervisor that I was in fact positive and would need to quarantine for at least 5 days. I was told that the first two days would be covered by PTO and after that EIB or FMLA would be used. As long as I can get my bills paid, I don't care where the money comes from. 

My day started with chills when I woke up. I checked my temp throughout the day, the highest it got to was 101*, the lowest was 99*. I took Tylenol at different times to help bring my fever down. I had chills or was to hot throughout the day, blankets on and off based on how I was feeling. I went to bed early, after taking some Benadryl to help me sleep. 

Because I have Asthma I have been very concerned about how this is going to affect me. I did get the first two shots but I have not had any of the boosters. I have been paying attention to my breathing, how my lungs feel and if there is any rattling. I also have a stethoscope so I'll try listening to my lungs, to make sure they sound clear. 

Day 2 - I woke up and was feeling stiff and sore but more because I was in bed for so many hours. I was able to eat and noticed that taste was not as strong, this makes me sad. My temperature has been at normal levels today. I've been able to do a few things around the apartment but even the small things seems to wear me out fairly quickly.

I will spend this day resting and doing what I can do to ensure the apartment stays fairly clean. Since I live alone I don't have help with anything and don't want it to get so messy that depression sets in and makes it harder to get things done. Head hurts a bit today, could be from anything though. I don't want to automatically contribute everything to COVID because so many symptoms I have are also allergy related. I don't like this at all. 

Day 3 - I woke up after being in bed for 10 hours, sore again but otherwise feeling okay. Temperature is normal so far for today. I spoke with someone in HR at work. I cannot return to work until May 1 and only if I cam fever free without the use of fever reducers for 24 hours. I'm still stuffy and coughing but I always deal with that, between the Asthma and allergies. I am feeling a little more tired than usual but at this point it is manageable. I have things to do around the apt., laundry and dishes, but I can take my time getting it done. I have three more days at home, I like being home but not what it's forced on me. I will do my best to use this time wisely and rest as much as I can. I keep trying different drinks and foods to test my ability to taste. My grape crystal light is pretty weak. I think I've lost enough to be annoying. 

I spoke with a work friend, we were planning to go to the Van Gogh Exhibit on May 3 but with my COVID and more residents have tested positive, we have decided to wait for 2 more weeks. I wanted to have a bit more time to get better and they would like time, incase they get it too and will have time get through it and recover.  

Day 4 - Today I woke up way to early...that's like normal, unfortunately. I was awake for a little while but went back to sleep as I was not feeling ready to be awake. Today has felt like a long day. I had to go to the post office for a money order, to pay my rent, I wore a mask and kept my distance from others, it was not busy at all. Rent was dropped off and talked with a neighbor for a while, from a distance and I was still wearing my mask. I paid the rest of the bills that were due so that's a good thing. 

I realized that I have not eaten anything today, I don't feel hungry at all, I don't think I've had anything to drink either, I should probably do that so I can avoid dehydration. Today has felt like a long day but fairly normal. I'm feeling a little sore, but no more than usual. I do need do a bit more keep active, but a little bit of exertion hits me kind of hard right now. Otherwise, today has been a normal day. I have 2 more days off before returning to work.

Day 5 - Today I slept in again, sleeping in for me is anytime past 10am. I woke up feeling pretty good, less body aches than what I have had over the last few days. I have put a couple loads in the washer, emptied and refilled the dishwasher and wiped down the kitchen. I also placed a grocery order and have most of that put away. My temperature has maintained normal for the last couple of days. My taste is still diminished, I did eat a Nutty Bar and could taste the peanut butter a little bit. I also ate a marshmallow, got no flavor from that, which is very sad. 

I have not eaten much over the last 5 days, I have not felt hungry, today, while going downstairs to dump the trash and wait for my grocery order to be delivered (mask worn and distance given), my stomach actually growled. My fluid intake need major improvement as well as my food intake. I worked on a list of meal items I have already in the freezer and what I purchased today. I still feel tired after doing a little bit of stuff but part of that could be from lack of constant movement so I won't say it's all because of the COVID. 

Day 6 - Today has been a sleepy day. I have spent the majority of today sitting in my recliner, falling asleep. Another day of being fever free. I did not get anything done around the apartment though, I feel bad for that but it is what it is. I still cannot taste food and my sense of smell is not all that great either, which could be okay in some instances. Back to work tomorrow.