I have been divorced for nearly six years. Getting a divorce has been the best decision I had made in a long time. I got married at 19, I wouldn't recommend doing it though. The first baby came when I was 22, there was a miscarriage when I was about 26 (my son, Alexander) and the third baby was born when I was 27.
One thing you learn and actually understand as you get older, is that picking your battles is extremely important, if you want to live a fairly stress free life. Fairly early in my marriage I began taking stock of myself. What was I doing that was creating problems or keeping problems from being resolved? Was I willing to compromise or was I demanding that everything go the way I wanted it too? These are hard questions to ask yourself and it's harder to actually answer them honestly and then do something about it.
You might be wondering why I began asking myself these kinds of questions and what I did about it. I think it started with a conversation with my mother. She informed me that if I lost weight, he might want to spend more time with me. I'm sure that her intentions were good but that was the wrong thing to say. My weight had nothing to do with our problems.
*What was I doing that was creating problems?
Answer: I was a huge nag, I didn't even realize I was nagging. When I stopped and looked at how I was behaving, I was a huge nag, so I stopped. I still asked him to do some things for me but I didn't hound him like I did before.
*What was I doing that kept problems from being resolved?
Answer: In the beginning, it was me being a nag. After I stopped nagging all the time, it was my inability to let things go.
* Was I willing to compromise:
Answer: For the most part, yes I was. I have always been willing to compromise, as long as it was a fair compromise.
*Was I being to demanding?
Answer: At times, yes I was.
*How did I make the changes?
Answer: I made the decision to not nag. I made the decision to work towards resolving the problem. I made the decision to keep compromising fair for all involved. I made the decision to not be demanding.
*What did I learn from asking and answering these questions?
Answer: I learned that it didn't matter how hard I worked to not nag, when I asked him to do something for me, he always said he would and then months would go by before he did it. Then he would do it, only after I made attempts and if they didn't work I would get upset and have to yell to finally get the help I asked for and waited months to get. I learned that I wasn't keeping things from being resolved because I didn't let them go but because I wasn't making my wants and needs as important as his so he wasn't taking me seriously. I learned that compromising as much as I did made something worse. I was expected to be the one to let go of what I wanted or needed in order to keep the peace between us. I learned that what I was demanding was the same respect that I was giving.
Back to the main point, being the bigger person. As I got older and asked those questions and answered them, I realized that everything I was dealing with was just as much about him as it was me but I needed to be the bigger person, I needed to be willing to walk away in order to keep my own sanity. I made the decision to walk away from a 20 year marriage because I realized that he wasn't willing to make the same kinds of changes that I was. He didn't even notice that I made any changes, that spoke volumes about our marriage.
Through moving out, getting the girls adjusted to a new way of life, sort of, and then divorcing, I always thought I was doing okay, until I realized I wasn't. I was glad to be away from the fighting, the cigarette and beer stench that seemed to be everywhere. I realized that I was missing having someone else there, an adult. I also realized that what I was living with was not healthy for my physical and mental health. I had to let go of the pain, anger, frustration. I had to let him and the memories go. I had to be the bigger person and stop the fighting, stop the anger and get rid of the frustration, for myself and my children.
At the time of this writing my daughter is at home, her father came over with his wife to meet the baby. I don't know how it's going and it's killing me. I don't trust him, I don't trust his wife, with good reason and I don't want either of them to push my daughter to the point where she doubts herself and how she is doing as a mom. I'm being told that everything went okay at home, I'm glad for that. It took a lot for me to allow them in my house, especially with me not being there. Even though he will not ever be able to truly admit the things that I have, I had to be the bigger person and allow my daughter the chance to try and have a relationship with her father. I don't know if it will continue but I had to give her this chance.
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