Why?

 I have never claimed to be a perfect person or parent. I know there are things that I missed or didn't act quick enough on to correct/fix/change. 

What I did do though was to raise my kids on my own, while I was married and then when I finally decided to leave my marriage, with my kids. I struggled in the marriage and outside of the marriage; financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I did what I could for my kids in all ways that I could. Again, I was nowhere near perfect but I did the best I could with what I had to work with, within myself and outside of myself. 

I did what I could do to allow my kids to be kids. I wanted my kids to be kids for as long as they could. My oldest did have to babysit at times because I worked nights a lot and their dad was not always available to them because he did not want to be. 

One thing I know for sure is that for all the time, effort, money, love, patience, everything, that I put into my kids was 100% my choice and I would never change that but as time goes on I realize that it didn't really matter because no matter what, I will always be the bad guy to at least my youngest. 

It was brought to my attention that my youngest does not view me as a person. I am just a mother, I apparently behave differently when around other people, when compared to my kids. My kids have never really seen me in social interactions with people outside of family. My spending time with a former work friend, a male, a friend only, is weird for my kids, at least my youngest. I knew it was going to be weird for them, no matter what, and I knew that they would have questions and comments mainly due to my friend being a lot younger.

I have repeatedly told my kids that this is strictly a friendship, it's a friendship that I am glad to have because we talk, we walk, we laugh; serious stuff, funny stuff, whatever comes to mind. We generally don't have a specific destination when walking other than following whatever trail we are on. Sometimes our walks are silent for a bit, never awkward, never weird, never uncomfortable. I feel safe and comfortable around him, I am happy to be around him, I like being around him and I appreciate him being around and I love having a friend, period. If I am upset he will comfort me, if I trip he will help me and let me hold his hand or arm and I do the same for him. 

When I posted a picture from one of our walks I had one of him that I captioned Best Man Ever, to me, that is what he is. That set off a chain reaction with my kids. My youngest was so angry because she did not know anything about him and at that time I was not ready to share that friendship because I did not want or need her to make it into something it wasn't.

My youngest finally met him in person the other day and throughout our time walking through downtown she made a few snide comments about age, which also happened before she met him. She shared things about herself, which surprised me but then later told her sister that I told him those things and I had crossed a boundary. She also told her sister that she felt like a third wheel. She pretty much invited herself into our walk downtown, he said he was fine if she went so I told her that. She said that he better not have a problem with her being around her mom...she only went because of him, because she wanted to know what he looked like and to be nosey. She did not want to walk around downtown with me to spend time with me. She does not really like me and that becomes more clear as time goes. 

It does not matter what I have done for her throughout her entire life. She is mad that her life is not going like she wants it to and says that it's my fault because she did not ask to be born, but think about it, none of us asked to be born. Everyone here is here because someone else made a choice. I didn't ask to be born into the family I was, I didn't ask to have a broken family, twice over. I didn't ask to struggle like I have. Despite all of that, what I did not do was blame someone else for my problems and tell them I didn't ask to be born and all my problems were their fault because they chose to have me. I take responsibility for my actions, I take responsibility for how my life was/is/goes. I have spent a lot of time working on myself, trying to better myself and finally get the life that I did not have when I was younger/married/had kids. 

I was not the parent that ran around and had men in and out of my house. The majority of my time socializing with others was with my kids and family, not really anyone outside of family members, other than work and I kept work and family separate, most of the time. 

I can understand that my youngest is having a hard time with me being around people she does not know but to be treated like I am doing something wrong and having snide comments made, that's not necessary. She lied to her sister, saying that I said things that I did not say, her sister called her on the lies and so of course she is no mad at her sister. However, after trashing me to her sister, I got a message about needing help with her phone bill for this month. Since she started paying for her phone, which has been on my plan since she got her first phone by high school, she has done great with paying early or on time for nearly two years, until now. Because it's my phone service I have to pay her portion anyway and she'll just pay me back when she starts her new job, which will hopefully be soon. 

In reflection I see that her behavior has only increased when it comes to trash talking me to others, talking bad about me to her sister and treating me like I am not a real person with feelings and that deserves a life. 

I spent a lot of time being a wife and mother and finally reached a point where I have a friend that I actually see in person and she is upset about it, for whatever reason. She said she felt like a third wheel while out with me and my friend, but yet also said that the next time we go walking downtown, she wants to go too. Why? She doesn't really like me, she doesn't have any respect for me or what I've sacrificed for her, her entire life. What I sacrificed to send her to college, trips she took while at college, the trips back and forth through multiple states to get her there and back multiple times a year, and the extra cost for storing things we didn't have room to bring back. 

99% of my interactions with her are a lie because she always has an ulterior motive. She visits me so she can do her laundry and get a meal she doesn't have to cook or pay for. But to keep using me for things then trash talking me to whoever will listen, I think I've reached my limit. As soon as her job is set and she's gotten through her first paycheck she will be removed from my phone plan. If she wants to continue to complain about how much her life sucks and it's my fault then I feel like I will need to distance myself a bit. 

I hate that I even have had to think about this, either way though, doing nothing or limiting interaction she will make it out to be my fault so I should at least make sure that she can't use me like she has been doing. 

I have always done what I could for my kids without much help from their dad, even when he was living in the same house. I didn't drink or do drugs, I was not sleeping around and setting bad examples for my kids. She takes after her dad in so many ways and it's the one thing that makes me so sad because no matter what, everything has to be about her and when it's not she is more than happy to twist things around to make herself look like the victim. 

I have encouraged her to seek therapy and work through her problems but for years she has refused too or says that it won't work, but she has not tried. I am at a loss for what to do next. I hope that she realizes that she needs help and gets help, she has put a huge rift in our little family and it's breaking my heart. 

New Path

August 16 I texted a former co-worker about the possibility of job where he went too. August 17 I visited him at his job, he showed me around. August 18 I applied for a job and he let me know that he gave my name to some higher ups. August 21 I spoke with someone from this new place, that went well and we set up a day/time for a video interview. August 22 I did the interview and it went really well. They said "WELCOME". I messaged my former co-worker and he said they loved me and gave 100% positive feedback. I had some help with getting started and with where I will be working but ultimately if I did not interview well, I would either be looking elsewhere or staying where I currently am. 

I made a few phone calls and talked to a couple people to let them know how the interview went, texting one person to call me, he did and while we were talking he began filling out an application to the same place. We have both discussed how things have been at work lately and I told him about this place. Our field is demanding, exhausting, mentally and emotionally stressful, rewarding and more but the stress has gotten worse. The behaviors have gotten worse, to the point of physical harm. Neither of us want to continue with that. I also messaged another former co-worker, he was also considering switching jobs. 

This new job has fewer people to deal with on a daily basis, it's a calmer facility, I'll work full time days, which will take some getting used too. Maybe having "normal" hours will help with sleeping better? I'll be out in the mornings, which is not good in the winter but I'll deal with it. This job will allow for advancement with less to deal with at first versus the current job. 

The new job is the first time on my new path. August 23 I signed my 4th lease with my apartment complex. During this meeting I confirmed that the owners are working on another apartment complex and will begin taking applications around February 2024 and the building is supposed to be done in July 2024. I think my next step will be moving to a new area. I don't mind where I am now but I also would prefer to be out of the city. The area the new building is going would put me about the same distance I drive now but I'd avoid the highways completely and I'd be closer to some shopping, walking distance. 

I'm ready for the changes. It's time I moved on from where I am now and into something better and hopefully a bit bigger. This new job could also lead to me being able to get back into school and finally finish my masters program, I may have to redo some classes but I'll figure that out when the time comes and the new job also comes with some tuition reimbursement as well. 

New friend to hang out with for movies, walks and other adventures. New job, new apartment coming up. All good changes for the new path. Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds. 

Why do I keep trying and when will I stop?

I am not new to people making plans with me and then either backing out last minute or simply not showing up. It has happened so often that I am honestly surprised when someone actually keeps their plans. Often times I fight myself to not break plans before someone else does, because if I break the plans then I won't be hurt once again and my trust won't be broken, once again. 

In conversations with people about friendship and trust, I always think and at times end up saying "I don't trust anyone". When asked "Why?" I answer because I have spent a lot of years being given reasons to not trust people, followed by examples. 

At work I trust, for the most part, because that involves a small group of people who all have the same goals for eight hours. 

Outside of work, in my personal life, I have very little trust in pretty much everyone because I've been let down to many times. 

Why do I decide to keep trying, when it ends up bad?

     I keep telling myself "It'll be different this time"

Why do people do this? 

    Very good question and I will probably never get an answer

Why do people not respond to messages to set up or confirm plans? 

    I suspect they don't want to hurt my feelings by canceling. However, not responding is a VERY LOUD RESPONSE and hurts A LOT more than just canceling

Why is it so hard to say "I've changed my mind" or "I don't want to go"

    Another good question and I will probably never get an answer

Why does this happen to me, all the time?

    Good question. I am not sure

Why do I keep trying? 

    Because I am stupid in thinking that people will change

When will I stop?

    I'm thinking now is a good time. 

I constantly worry when I do make plans, that they will cancel at the last minute. I've worked hard to message every so often but not so much that I seem needy. If I get no response after a couple messages, then I am done trying, I won't keep trying after that, it gives me time to come to terms with being canceled on again, through ghosting.

Because I end up doing so much on my own anyway, it's probably best to just keep it that way. People have proven time and time again that they will not follow through for whatever reason. My upcoming plans will happen with just me and as much as I don't like it, it's just how it is. It's one more person to not trust and I won't ask again. 

My COVID Mis-Adventure

On a normal day I deal with seasonal allergies; stuffy nose, drainage, coughing, sniffling etc., that's with daily nasal spray and nightly Benadryl to help me sleep and assist with the allergies. I now wonder if I have had COVID before. The weather in my state has been back and forth. A few weeks ago we had three days of beautiful warm weather...mid to high 70s and mid 80s, then after three days the temps dropped down to mid 30s with highs in the low 50s. When this happens I tend to have more issues with my allergies. I usually feel okay, other than a plugged nose and additional trouble sleeping. Depending on my day I can get headaches from certain smells or from stress, pain that sits behind my eyes or the back of my head. Sometimes, if I can get my neck to crack it releases some of the pressure I feel and the pain lessens or goes away. 

Day 1 - On April 25 I tested positive for COVID. I did two tests at home, notified my supervisor between tests. I was given a number to call and then went into work to get a test that my work would accept, plus going in to get tested meant it was free. After waiting for what seemed like hours I was tested, signed a couple papers and then got my results. I notified my supervisor that I was in fact positive and would need to quarantine for at least 5 days. I was told that the first two days would be covered by PTO and after that EIB or FMLA would be used. As long as I can get my bills paid, I don't care where the money comes from. 

My day started with chills when I woke up. I checked my temp throughout the day, the highest it got to was 101*, the lowest was 99*. I took Tylenol at different times to help bring my fever down. I had chills or was to hot throughout the day, blankets on and off based on how I was feeling. I went to bed early, after taking some Benadryl to help me sleep. 

Because I have Asthma I have been very concerned about how this is going to affect me. I did get the first two shots but I have not had any of the boosters. I have been paying attention to my breathing, how my lungs feel and if there is any rattling. I also have a stethoscope so I'll try listening to my lungs, to make sure they sound clear. 

Day 2 - I woke up and was feeling stiff and sore but more because I was in bed for so many hours. I was able to eat and noticed that taste was not as strong, this makes me sad. My temperature has been at normal levels today. I've been able to do a few things around the apartment but even the small things seems to wear me out fairly quickly.

I will spend this day resting and doing what I can do to ensure the apartment stays fairly clean. Since I live alone I don't have help with anything and don't want it to get so messy that depression sets in and makes it harder to get things done. Head hurts a bit today, could be from anything though. I don't want to automatically contribute everything to COVID because so many symptoms I have are also allergy related. I don't like this at all. 

Day 3 - I woke up after being in bed for 10 hours, sore again but otherwise feeling okay. Temperature is normal so far for today. I spoke with someone in HR at work. I cannot return to work until May 1 and only if I cam fever free without the use of fever reducers for 24 hours. I'm still stuffy and coughing but I always deal with that, between the Asthma and allergies. I am feeling a little more tired than usual but at this point it is manageable. I have things to do around the apt., laundry and dishes, but I can take my time getting it done. I have three more days at home, I like being home but not what it's forced on me. I will do my best to use this time wisely and rest as much as I can. I keep trying different drinks and foods to test my ability to taste. My grape crystal light is pretty weak. I think I've lost enough to be annoying. 

I spoke with a work friend, we were planning to go to the Van Gogh Exhibit on May 3 but with my COVID and more residents have tested positive, we have decided to wait for 2 more weeks. I wanted to have a bit more time to get better and they would like time, incase they get it too and will have time get through it and recover.  

Day 4 - Today I woke up way to early...that's like normal, unfortunately. I was awake for a little while but went back to sleep as I was not feeling ready to be awake. Today has felt like a long day. I had to go to the post office for a money order, to pay my rent, I wore a mask and kept my distance from others, it was not busy at all. Rent was dropped off and talked with a neighbor for a while, from a distance and I was still wearing my mask. I paid the rest of the bills that were due so that's a good thing. 

I realized that I have not eaten anything today, I don't feel hungry at all, I don't think I've had anything to drink either, I should probably do that so I can avoid dehydration. Today has felt like a long day but fairly normal. I'm feeling a little sore, but no more than usual. I do need do a bit more keep active, but a little bit of exertion hits me kind of hard right now. Otherwise, today has been a normal day. I have 2 more days off before returning to work.

Day 5 - Today I slept in again, sleeping in for me is anytime past 10am. I woke up feeling pretty good, less body aches than what I have had over the last few days. I have put a couple loads in the washer, emptied and refilled the dishwasher and wiped down the kitchen. I also placed a grocery order and have most of that put away. My temperature has maintained normal for the last couple of days. My taste is still diminished, I did eat a Nutty Bar and could taste the peanut butter a little bit. I also ate a marshmallow, got no flavor from that, which is very sad. 

I have not eaten much over the last 5 days, I have not felt hungry, today, while going downstairs to dump the trash and wait for my grocery order to be delivered (mask worn and distance given), my stomach actually growled. My fluid intake need major improvement as well as my food intake. I worked on a list of meal items I have already in the freezer and what I purchased today. I still feel tired after doing a little bit of stuff but part of that could be from lack of constant movement so I won't say it's all because of the COVID. 

Day 6 - Today has been a sleepy day. I have spent the majority of today sitting in my recliner, falling asleep. Another day of being fever free. I did not get anything done around the apartment though, I feel bad for that but it is what it is. I still cannot taste food and my sense of smell is not all that great either, which could be okay in some instances. Back to work tomorrow.

 

Future Goal

 Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything here. I've been working extra hours every week for the past couple of months and have not been on the computer much. 

Other than working extra hours I have not done much beyond resting, the extra hours have been mentally and physically draining so my down time has been spent doing almost nothing.

I have a few things I have been working on though. I contacted a realtor about a piece of property, I would love to be able to buy some land and put a small cabin on it, to live full time. I have found a cabin plan that I would love to have built, with an addition for a laundry room and pantry. I would also work on getting a garden started as well. I have been watching a lot of YouTube channels about gardening and what not, I will have to research my area for grow times but so far I have learned a lot. 

I know now that I would like to have a fairly simple garden; tomatoes, peppers, onions, garlic, corn, potatoes,pumpkin, strawberries, raspberries, grapes, watermelon, honeydew, cantaloupe, as well as some fruit trees; apple, pear, plum, cherry to start with. The great thing about all these fruits and veggies is that I will be able to find all sorts of way to preserve them. Water bath canning, pressure canning, dehydrating and eventually freeze drying as well. My goal for this is help feed myself and save money at the grocery store. I will of course use everything I make at the present time and for long term storage. Depending on how the garden does I would also sell some of it and give some to my kids as well. 

I would love to also eventually have my daughters move onto my property, it will be there choice of course but they know they will always be welcome and having their own space would be a bonus for everyone.

I do not know if buying property right now will work but I am trying to be positive. Some days I feel like I am to old to just now start this type endeavor but then I tell myself that this has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I was almost there in 2010 but that clearly was not the right time for me. Here I am now, 12 years later, I am still hoping this works out, but I feel like I am in a better place financially and mentally and with some luck, this could help a lot with being in a better place physically. 

I have been changing how I eat, working on eating less, and doing a lot more meal prep, difficult at times, but I have lost a bit of weight so far and that's a good thing! 

All of my dreams, goals, plans etc., are designed to help me live a better quality life for myself first and my family too. I want to be able to play with my grandbabies and not be winded and tired, I want to have a place where they can visit and have fun inside and outside. 

End goal, to have the space I have wanted for years and everything it can bring plus the quiet, to be away from the city and all the noise that comes with it. 

Another Genealogy Trip

5/31/2022 

I left Michigan this morning at 10am and arrived at my location in DeForest, Wisconsin before 3pm. It was a long drive and the GPS made me go through downtown Chicago, I'll be avoiding tolls on the way home so I can avoid that mess again. 

About an hour after leaving home I realized that I forgot my Benadryl and Tylenol, both are needed today 😪. Tomorrow I'll be heading into town to check out the museum and library. Hoping to find something new for my research. 

I spent a couple days in DeForest, in my mind I was expecting a much smaller town because I have only seen old photographs online. I visited the library, very small but nice. They did not have much information beyond what I was able to find online. I took some photos of what they had and added that information to the family tree. I found a line that I feel my relative could have come from but so far I have not found him listed in anything so I'm afraid it is another dead end. 

I visited Sunfish Pond, they've got a paved walking trail at the back of development, I got a few odd looks while taking pictures, it was a nice spot though. I'd like to go back, to visit Madison, check out the big library, maybe I'll find additional information on the founder and his family. However, part of me feels like this particular branch is not the one we need. There are DeForests in Australia as well, I'll be looking into those lines eventually. Tracking those that left France and made their way to the USA is where I'm hoping to find the branch that my ancestor came from. 

For now, I'll keep searching the branches that I have tied together between New York and Wisconsin and then from there moved to other states; Kansas, Oregon and possibly California. I found a DeForest Park and Wetlands in Long Beach, California, that may be something to look into later as well. 

If you have been searching your family history or are just beginning, happy hunting and leave no stone unturned 😀

More Work But Better Results

 I have always wanted to learn to make some things by hand. Off and on for  years I've canned and dehydrated foods. Now I'm working on learning how to make other things so I buy less of some ingredients. 

Get a canning book and you will see so many things that you can make at home, when produce is in its peak season. It has been awhile since I've been able to can anything but I'm hoping to start again this year. 

Freezing leftovers can make it so much easier to have good food instead of buying frozen meals at the grocery store. It will have less preservatives and you can customize your meals with things you actually like. Use small containers to create portion sizes or aluminum pans to make bigger sizes for families. Some things I freeze, outside of meals is corn on the cob. I buy when corn is on sale, blanch it in hot water, place in a cold water bath. I place in a food vacuum sealer bag, add some butter and seal it up and freeze it. I also remove the corn from the cob and add butter and freeze in a dish. I have also made a strawberry sorbet, so good!

Dehydrating foods, I mainly dehydrate grapes and make raisins but I'm hoping to expand into other things. I have dehydrated melon pieces; they were okay but not something I'll do often. I have also cut up and dehydrated onions, totally stinky but the flavor is amazing when it's done and ground into a powder. I'd like to do the onions and garlic this year. 

Homemade Vanilla Extract is just three to four vanilla beans sliced lengthwise to expose the inside and placed in a bottle, you may need to also cut the beans in half, poor vodka over the beans, make sure they are completely covered, seal and place in a dark space. Shake weekly then monthly. Date the bottles and wait a minimum of six months before using, but more time makes it better. I started mine in April 2021 and did not start using until December 2021. 

Make cake flour instead of buying it! One cup of all-purpose flour, removed two tablespoons of the flour and then add two tablespoons of cornstarch, mix and sift. 

Fresh butter and buttermilk can be made in a stand mixer. I normally use the big carton of Heavy Whipping Cream and the whisk attachment. I start at level one, move to level two and then finish on level three. Cover the mixer bowl so the buttermilk doesn't splash all over the place. Let the butter sit in the whisk and allow the milk to drip off for a bit. Rinse the butter under cold water and squeeze the water out, do this at least three times. The buttermilk can be used in whatever recipes call for buttermilk and it can be frozen until needed. The butter lasted about a week for me, depending on how you use it. The large container of heavy whipping cream makes about two cups of butter. You can salt the butter if you want too. I prefer to not salt it. 

Homemade flavored butter. I'll be making this soon with the heavy whipping cream I have in the fridge. Prepare the butter as stated above. Then melt the butter, pour into ice cube trays or square block silicone containers and add different ingredients. I'll be making different flavors; garlic, basil, to start. You can different herbs to get the flavors you want. Then freeze then, pop them out and store in containers in the freezer. I'll be using mine to add flavor while cooking chicken, steaks and sautéing and seasoning foods. 

Something else I have made more than once is trail mix. I don't like all of the things that are in store bought trail mix so I decided to make my own, with the things that I like. I dehydrate grapes and cherries but I purchase dried cranberries (I'll try dehydrating cranberries soon). I also purchased sunflower seeds, almonds, and peanuts. I've put dehydrated strawberries and blueberries in it as well but I didn't care for the strawberries and blueberries so I don't add them anymore. The overall cost for this depends on where you live and what your store prices are like. If you can buy fresh versus frozen fruits the flavor is better and it does not take as long to dehydrate. You get a nice mixture of sweet (cherries/raisins) and salty (lightly salted nuts). Mine us usually mixed in a large bowl and then portioned out into snack baggies or small containers.

  

 Google is wonderful way to learn how to make things from scratch. I use Google all the time to find new recipes and learn how to make things instead of buying at the store. I have a food dehydrator, a food saver vacuum system, a Ninja for chopping things as well as a food processor for bigger amounts of chopping. I have a Ball Canning Book and a Dehydrating book as well. I'll be using these to help me in my quest to make healthier foods for myself. 

You don't need to buy expensive items for storing your foods in the freezer but you want to make sure to cover well so the food doesn't get freezer burn. When canning, follow the processing times so the food doesn't go bad while sitting on the shelf and make sure to store it in a dark area, you don't want it exposed to the sunlight. 

If you love to cook and bake, do it, explore it and then do it. Have fun with it. You'll learn quickly who your guinea pigs will be, if you want second opinions. Explore all the different things you can do with food to eat healthier. Remember it can take time to make things from scratch but you'll probably like it a lot more than store bought.