Why?

 I have never claimed to be a perfect person or parent. I know there are things that I missed or didn't act quick enough on to correct/fix/change. 

What I did do though was to raise my kids on my own, while I was married and then when I finally decided to leave my marriage, with my kids. I struggled in the marriage and outside of the marriage; financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I did what I could for my kids in all ways that I could. Again, I was nowhere near perfect but I did the best I could with what I had to work with, within myself and outside of myself. 

I did what I could do to allow my kids to be kids. I wanted my kids to be kids for as long as they could. My oldest did have to babysit at times because I worked nights a lot and their dad was not always available to them because he did not want to be. 

One thing I know for sure is that for all the time, effort, money, love, patience, everything, that I put into my kids was 100% my choice and I would never change that but as time goes on I realize that it didn't really matter because no matter what, I will always be the bad guy to at least my youngest. 

It was brought to my attention that my youngest does not view me as a person. I am just a mother, I apparently behave differently when around other people, when compared to my kids. My kids have never really seen me in social interactions with people outside of family. My spending time with a former work friend, a male, a friend only, is weird for my kids, at least my youngest. I knew it was going to be weird for them, no matter what, and I knew that they would have questions and comments mainly due to my friend being a lot younger.

I have repeatedly told my kids that this is strictly a friendship, it's a friendship that I am glad to have because we talk, we walk, we laugh; serious stuff, funny stuff, whatever comes to mind. We generally don't have a specific destination when walking other than following whatever trail we are on. Sometimes our walks are silent for a bit, never awkward, never weird, never uncomfortable. I feel safe and comfortable around him, I am happy to be around him, I like being around him and I appreciate him being around and I love having a friend, period. If I am upset he will comfort me, if I trip he will help me and let me hold his hand or arm and I do the same for him. 

When I posted a picture from one of our walks I had one of him that I captioned Best Man Ever, to me, that is what he is. That set off a chain reaction with my kids. My youngest was so angry because she did not know anything about him and at that time I was not ready to share that friendship because I did not want or need her to make it into something it wasn't.

My youngest finally met him in person the other day and throughout our time walking through downtown she made a few snide comments about age, which also happened before she met him. She shared things about herself, which surprised me but then later told her sister that I told him those things and I had crossed a boundary. She also told her sister that she felt like a third wheel. She pretty much invited herself into our walk downtown, he said he was fine if she went so I told her that. She said that he better not have a problem with her being around her mom...she only went because of him, because she wanted to know what he looked like and to be nosey. She did not want to walk around downtown with me to spend time with me. She does not really like me and that becomes more clear as time goes. 

It does not matter what I have done for her throughout her entire life. She is mad that her life is not going like she wants it to and says that it's my fault because she did not ask to be born, but think about it, none of us asked to be born. Everyone here is here because someone else made a choice. I didn't ask to be born into the family I was, I didn't ask to have a broken family, twice over. I didn't ask to struggle like I have. Despite all of that, what I did not do was blame someone else for my problems and tell them I didn't ask to be born and all my problems were their fault because they chose to have me. I take responsibility for my actions, I take responsibility for how my life was/is/goes. I have spent a lot of time working on myself, trying to better myself and finally get the life that I did not have when I was younger/married/had kids. 

I was not the parent that ran around and had men in and out of my house. The majority of my time socializing with others was with my kids and family, not really anyone outside of family members, other than work and I kept work and family separate, most of the time. 

I can understand that my youngest is having a hard time with me being around people she does not know but to be treated like I am doing something wrong and having snide comments made, that's not necessary. She lied to her sister, saying that I said things that I did not say, her sister called her on the lies and so of course she is no mad at her sister. However, after trashing me to her sister, I got a message about needing help with her phone bill for this month. Since she started paying for her phone, which has been on my plan since she got her first phone by high school, she has done great with paying early or on time for nearly two years, until now. Because it's my phone service I have to pay her portion anyway and she'll just pay me back when she starts her new job, which will hopefully be soon. 

In reflection I see that her behavior has only increased when it comes to trash talking me to others, talking bad about me to her sister and treating me like I am not a real person with feelings and that deserves a life. 

I spent a lot of time being a wife and mother and finally reached a point where I have a friend that I actually see in person and she is upset about it, for whatever reason. She said she felt like a third wheel while out with me and my friend, but yet also said that the next time we go walking downtown, she wants to go too. Why? She doesn't really like me, she doesn't have any respect for me or what I've sacrificed for her, her entire life. What I sacrificed to send her to college, trips she took while at college, the trips back and forth through multiple states to get her there and back multiple times a year, and the extra cost for storing things we didn't have room to bring back. 

99% of my interactions with her are a lie because she always has an ulterior motive. She visits me so she can do her laundry and get a meal she doesn't have to cook or pay for. But to keep using me for things then trash talking me to whoever will listen, I think I've reached my limit. As soon as her job is set and she's gotten through her first paycheck she will be removed from my phone plan. If she wants to continue to complain about how much her life sucks and it's my fault then I feel like I will need to distance myself a bit. 

I hate that I even have had to think about this, either way though, doing nothing or limiting interaction she will make it out to be my fault so I should at least make sure that she can't use me like she has been doing. 

I have always done what I could for my kids without much help from their dad, even when he was living in the same house. I didn't drink or do drugs, I was not sleeping around and setting bad examples for my kids. She takes after her dad in so many ways and it's the one thing that makes me so sad because no matter what, everything has to be about her and when it's not she is more than happy to twist things around to make herself look like the victim. 

I have encouraged her to seek therapy and work through her problems but for years she has refused too or says that it won't work, but she has not tried. I am at a loss for what to do next. I hope that she realizes that she needs help and gets help, she has put a huge rift in our little family and it's breaking my heart.